"I don't blame Samuel for realizing that a shapeshifter who changed into a coyote and was not bound by the moon might be a good mate," I told her, speaking very quietly. "But he let me love him without telling me exactly why he was so interested. If the Marrok hadn't interfered, I'd probably have been his mate when I was sixteen."
"Sixteen?" she said.
I nodded.
"Peter is a lot older than me," she said, speaking of her husband. "That was hard. But I wasn't sixteen and..." She paused, thinking. Finally she shook her head. "I don't recall ever hearing how old Samuel is, but he's older than Charles, and Charles dates back to Lewis and Clark."
The outrage that filtered into her voice, still pitched not to carry to the other werewolves, was like a balm. It gave me the courage to tell her a bit more. "I am happy with who I am," I told her. "The incident with Samuel let me break with the pack and join the human world. I'm independent and good at my job. It's not glamorous, but I like fixing things."
"And still," she said, voicing the thing I hadn't said.
I nodded. "Exactly. And still...what if I'd taken him up on his offer? I tell myself that I'd be a lesser person, but Samuel isn't the kind of man to iron all the personality out of his wife. Half the trouble I got into when I was a teen he got me into--and got me out of the other half."
"So you'd be a doctor's wife, and free to do as you please-- because Samuel's not the control freak that most of the dominant males are."
There it was. Oh, not Samuel. She, like most people, saw what he wanted them to see. Gentle, laid-back Samuel. Hah.
But, I'd always wondered why Honey had married her husband, who was so far down in the pack power structure when she was as dominant as all but the top two or three wolves. Since she took her rank from her husband, she was a lot lower than she'd been before she'd taken Peter as her mate. There weren't actually all that many submissive wolves out there. The kind of determination it takes to survive the Change isn't usually found in a person who isn't at least a little dominant.
"Samuel is as much a control freak as any of them. He just hides it better," I said. "The reality of it is that he'd have wrapped me in cotton wool and protected me from the world. I'd never have grown or become the person I am."
She raised an eyebrow. "Like what, a mechanic? You work for less than minimum wage. I saw Gabriel do the paychecks--he clears more than you do."
I'd been wrong. She'd never understand.
"Like owning my own business," I told her, though I knew it was futile to expect her to comprehend what I meant. I'd turned down everything that she'd wanted out of life--status, both in the werewolf world and the human one, and money. "Like being able to take something that doesn't work and fix it. Like being able to hold my own with Adam today instead of falling on my knees and looking at the ground. Like deciding what I'm going to do every day--including going after that demon-riding vampire who almost killed Warren. I'm not all that, especially not compared to the werewolves, but you have to admit that I was uniquely suited to taking him out. The werewolves couldn't. The vampires and fae wouldn't. What would have happened if I hadn't been able to kill him? Samuel would never let his wife risk her life to do something like that."
I realized something then. As scary as it had been (and I had the nightmares and the scars to prove it), as stupidly dangerous as it still was--and possibly deadly--I was proud of killing those two vampires. No one else would have been able to do it. Just me.
Samuel would never let me do something like that.
I could never have Samuel without giving up something I cherished about myself. It was the first time I'd let myself look at that because then I'd have to admit that Samuel could never be for me.
The question was, would Adam be any better? And if I took Adam, Samuel would leave. Part of me still loved Samuel, and I was not ready to give him up.
I was so screwed.
"You think that Adam would have let you go after that thing if you were his mate?" asked Honey in disbelief.
Maybe.
"I didn't mean to walk in on anything," said Jesse in a small voice.
I realized that I hadn't been hearing the water from the shower for a while. I hadn't heard her approach either.
She'd wrapped a towel around herself, but she was still quick at closing the door behind her. She gave Honey a wary look, but then dismissed her.
"I overheard that last part," she told me. "Dad told me to stay out of his affairs. But I thought you ought to know that he told me not too long ago that if you don't fall out of a plane now and then, you never learn to fly."
"He gave me bodyguards," I told her dryly. Honey had been one of them. She rolled her eyes at me. "He's not stupid. But if there is something you have to do, he'll be at your back." I gave her an incredulous look and she rolled her eyes again. "Okay, okay, he'll lead the way. But he won't make you stay behind. He doesn't waste his resources that way."
When Jesse had been missing, and Adam too hurt to do anything about it, he'd all but recruited me to find her, knowing that the people who had her had almost killed him. For some reason that recollection let me breathe deeply again.
Knowing that I could not have Samuel hurt. I think giving up Adam might just break me--which didn't mean that I might not have to anyway.
I hopped to my feet.
"I'll keep it in mind," I told her and then changed the subject. "How are you feeling?"