could turn sexual right now. And that’s not like me. I usually have a lot more will power when it comes to my desire for her.
Instead of allowing my mind to linger, I retrieve the Tupperware full of fudgy bars and bring it to the living room, setting it down on the table next to the pizza. “Go nuts. Just please, eat.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, taking a seat on one end of the couch.
“You know what I mean, Addy. It’s me. You can’t hide from me. What’s going on?”
“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says, watching as I reach for a water rather than a beer. I definitely do not need the aid of alcohol in my system to lower my inhibitions around her. Especially with her sex-on-a-stick legs luring me in like a moth to a flame.
“You’re not looking much like yourself these days, Addy.”
Her cheeks pink. “Gee, thanks,” she says, snark heavy in her voice.
With my fingers under her chin, I turn her to face me and softly explain, “Hey, listen to me. You’re beautiful. You always are. But right now, I can tell you’re not getting enough sleep and you’re losing weight. I know the last few months have sucked more than usual. Is it bringing back memories of your mom? Is that it?”
As I was talking, tears filled her eyes and when one escapes and begins a trail down her cheek, I swipe it away with my thumb. She shakes her head. “No, that’s not it. I mean, that’s part of it, yes. I miss her terribly and more so now, but that’s not what’s going on. I just… gah, I feel so selfish saying this out loud.”
“Hey, you can tell me whatever’s on your heart. You know I would never judge you. Let it out.”
When her silent tears begin to slow and her glazed-over eyes stare off into the distance, I think she’s not going to tell me. But then she sucks in a shaky breath and opens her mouth. A sob escapes before she cries, “I hate being a single mom.”
That’s not at all what I was expecting her to say. She’s been a single mom since the day Zoey was born.
“What do you mean?”
“Since Chris passed, it hit me how alone I am. That I’m now truly a single mom. What if I screw something up? I don’t have him to help me make decisions or carry part of the responsibility.”
I sit back when she uses her hands to wipe her face. “What the…? Addy, no. First of all, you’re a wonderful mother. Chris told me all the time how he just followed your lead.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is.” I turn to face her so that I can make sure she’s listening to me.
“No. It’s not. I’m so tired and I should play with Zoey more often but I have no energy to do it. Last night I fed her grilled cheese for dinner. That’s it. Grilled cheese. No veggies. No fruit. Just bread and cheese.”
“And did she complain? Addy, come on. That sounds delicious. I’d eat ten of ‘em and nothing else. Or add some chips. Who gives a shit. It’s one meal.”
“But…”
“No way. Do not let your mind go wherever you’re going to let it travel to. Listen to what I’m telling you, Addy. You are an excellent mother and you’re more than capable of handling every single obstacle and cheer her on as she succeeds. But hear this, sweetheart.” Her bottom lip quivers when she gives me her beautiful deep brown eyes. “You are not alone. Understand me?” She nods but I wonder if she realizes how much truth there is to my statement. I’ll never leave her or Zoey. She’s my reason for being.
“You’re not alone. Never have been and never will be,” I tell her and pull her closer and lean my forehead against hers. The need to be close to her goes even deeper than instinctual. It’s primal. What I really want to do is pull her onto my lap so she’s straddling me but I hold back.
We breathe each other in and I lift a hand, threading my fingers through her wet hair. I want to kiss her pain away. Make her realize her worth. Help her to forget why she’s feeling any kind of uncertainty about her ability to be an amazing mother. That she’s already everything Zoey needs and more.