Addy clears her throat and looks at me with an odd expression. It’s more than just the sadness that we’ve all been wearing like cloaks since Chris died. “Well, whatever you two do, I’m sure you’ll have a great time. And when I finish at the shop, I’ll meet up with you.”
After saying goodbye, Addy leaves and Zoey and I curl up on the couch, lounging while the rain continues to fall. It’s a perfect morning. Cartoons, cuddling with Zoey, and snacking on Goldfish crackers. It’s a morning I know Chris would have loved, and for that I feel like shit. I’m enjoying this time when it should be him.
Zoey’s tiny little body begins to slump next to me and her breathing evens out. She’s only been awake for a few hours but I know she’s exhausted. Between not sleeping well and the trauma she experienced losing her dad, her body is worn out. I shoot my mom a quick text to let her know we won’t be coming over for a while so I don’t get a phone call that wakes her up then do the same with Addy.
Addy: I’m glad she’s sleeping. I don’t want her getting more run down than she already is. You okay staying with her?
Me: Of course. Just do your thing. I’ve got her.
Addy: Thank you. See you soon.
I lean my head back against the back of the couch and relish in the feel of Zoey in my arms and think for the millionth time what it would be like if she would have called me that night instead of Chris. Would we have had a child together instead? Of course, I wouldn’t do a thing to change the fact that Zoey’s here, but the thought of having a baby with Addy stirs something deep inside of me that I have been doing my best to push down for years now.
I’ve never had the courage to ask her why she went to Chris instead of me that night. Maybe she was looking for exactly what Chris was willing to give her and she thought I wouldn’t have.
She’d be wrong, though. I wouldn’t have been able to resist her.
I’m so fucked up in the head.
My male instincts tell me to take her and show her what we could be like together while every bit of brotherly love I have for Chris tells me to back off. She was his. Never mine. Not in that way. I may have loved her first, but in the end, she was and always would be my brother’s.
And that means I have to learn how to live a life without her as anything more than my friend and mother to my niece.
Chapter Eight
Addy
It’s been almost a month since we buried Christopher. It was a day that ranked right down there with the day I buried my mother. I don’t know how Zoey or I would have survived if Beau hadn’t been strong. Guilt sits heavy on my heart knowing that he needed us to be there for him just as much as we needed him, but no matter how often I asked him how we could help, he swore we were doing exactly what he needed from us.
Beau went back home a week after the funeral but promised he wouldn’t be away for long. Zoey was having a hard time letting him out of her sight but he didn’t seem to mind. Beau didn’t want to be apart from her, either. Before he left, he said he needed to make an official change because he’d been living away long enough. I didn’t want to tell him I agreed because I didn’t want to appear needy or clingy. But I’m ready to have him here. Where he belongs.
Beau told me he has a plan to make that change happen but first he needed to speak with his boss and get a few things sorted. Zoey hasn’t slept in her own bed since Beau came over the night Christopher died. In fact, Beau slept at my house while he was here, though he did move to the spare bed. He would lay with Zoey until she fell asleep then kiss her on the head before going to the other room. She also hasn’t gone a day without asking for either of them. I know it was hard for both Zoey and Beau when he had to go back to work, and her crying while clinging