Passing as Elias - By Kate Bloomfield Page 0,60

You must believe me.’

‘You said you loved me.’ Merrill’s eyes were brimming with tears, threatening to spill at any moment, ‘You said you loved me.’

‘It was not a lie.’ Elizabeth said at once.

‘How could it not be?’ Merrill said loudly, tears now cascading down her cheeks, ‘How could it be possible?’

Elizabeth crossed the room and took Merrill’s hands in her own, ‘It is possible, Merrill. I never knew it before I met you, but it is possible for a girl to love another girl.’

‘It is not right, Miss.’ Merrill said, taking her hands away from Elizabeth, ‘It is not normal.’

‘If we have the power to love, then how can it not be normal? Merrill, it felt like the most natural thing in the world, to love you.’

Tears ran down Merrill’s cheeks silently, and Elizabeth wiped them away with the palm of her hand. At her touch, Merrill closed her eyes and bowed her head.

‘Please do not hate me,’ Elizabeth begged, ‘I cannot bear it. These past weeks have been torture, as though part of me has vanished.’

‘You said you were going to leave me.’ Merrill said.

‘I had to end it, because … because George was coming back from sea.’

‘Your husband?’

‘Yes,’ Elizabeth admitted, ‘you must understand that it was a marriage of convenience. I did not care for George Greenwood, at least, not in the way that I care about you.’

‘He left you, Miss?’ Merrill guessed.

‘He … he did. He took the house, and the apothecary. He left me with nothing Merrill.’

‘Do you not think you have brought this upon yourself?’ Merrill asked.

Elizabeth did not know how to answer. Honestly, yes, she had brought this upon herself, but there was one thing she wanted more than a job, or the apothecary.

‘If I were to have you, Merrill, things would not seem so bad.’

‘How can two girls be sweethearts, Miss?’ Merrill said, turning away and crossing the room. She looked out of the window, her arms folded across her chest, ‘Even if you were to continue dressing as a boy.’ Merrill pointed to Elizabeth’s trousers, and shirt, ‘It could never work.’

Did this mean that Merrill was not opposed to a relationship? Elizabeth was not sure, but she felt as though this conversation was going better than expected.

‘Do you not have feelings for me, Merrill?’ Elizabeth tried another tactic, ‘You said you loved me too, remember?’

‘I said I loved Elias.’ Merrill shot back, ‘If I had known you were an imposter-’

‘I am the same person.’ Elizabeth cut Merrill off, ‘I am the same, on the inside. Do you not remember what it was like? To kiss, to touch-’

‘Stop it.’ Merrill said. Her face showed anguish, ‘Stop talking like that.’

‘Why can you not accept how I feel about you?’ Elizabeth said suddenly angry.

Merrill looked away, ashamed, as though the sight of Elizabeth was offensive.

‘Please, Merrill.’ Elizabeth said, approaching her slowly.

‘You have made me look a fool.’ Merrill said through her tears, ‘and what is worse, you have made me question everything I have ever believed in. I do not know who I am anymore … to think of you this way, it is wicked.’

Elizabeth felt a squirm of excitement in the pit of her stomach, ‘Think of me in what way?’ She asked.

Merrill shook her head, ‘I am just confused.’

Elizabeth grabbed Merrill’s shoulders and stared into her eyes, ‘Tell me you feel it too, Merrill.’

‘I do not wish to.’ Merrill said through trembling lips, ‘I have tried not to think of it, but the thoughts … the thoughts are always in my head.’

‘They are in my head too, Merrill. I used to be afraid of them, but then I realized it is part of who I am.’

‘You have plagued me.’ Merrill accused.

‘It is not a disease to be caught.’ Elizabeth said, her eyebrows furrowed, ‘It is beautiful, and natural. I would not wish it away anymore. I feel the most amazing freedom.’

‘How can you bear it?’ Merrill said, another tear sliding down her cheek.

‘Because I am with you.’ Elizabeth said.

The silence that followed was not awkward. On the contrary, the pause was so pregnant with wanting, that Elizabeth felt she might die if she could not touch Merrill.

‘I know you feel it too, Merrill,’ Elizabeth whispered, ‘That is why you have come here today – to confirm your own fears.’

‘I am ashamed.’ Merrill said.

‘Do not be.’ Elizabeth raised a hand and stroked Merrill’s hair. Upon her touch, Merrill closed her eyes and shivered. Elizabeth saw her chance, and took it. She tilted Merrill’s chin