No way. I really wanted a happy ending for them though!
When she’d first read that, Nadia had felt grateful for the support – vindicated in her decision. But reading it now she felt a twinge of regret.
No, she thought. He doesn’t deserve that. She forced herself to focus on the man she did have, chastising herself for being so weak as to search for the hashtag in the first place. Doubts were the ego’s way of keeping us small, she told herself. She forced herself to believe she was allowed to let Eddie make her happy.
Your place or mine tonight? she texted him, knowing her diary was totally open that week and thankful to know Eddie would scoop her up from work and take her on an adventure. She never thought of Train Guy when they were together – not anymore. It was only when Eddie was out of sight that Train Guy sometimes crept into her mind.
Yours, Eddie texted back. I’ll come meet you after work?
She sent back three love hearts and then pulled up the notes app in her phone. She looked at what she had drafted a week ago:
Train Guy: Okay, I forgive you now I’ve made you think about what a fool you made of me, having me wait for you in a bar you’d apparently already left. Consider me furious, and very forgiving. I will allow you to make it up to me, in whatever way you see fit. Coffee Spill Girl x
She weighed up, for the millionth time, the pros and cons of sending it in.
Pros: She could actually get to meet Train Guy.
Cons: It was horribly deceptive to Eddie, who had been nothing but wonderful to her.
Pros: When Train Guy didn’t reply, it would ultimately put that whole thing to bed for her, and she could properly commit to Eddie, and forget him once and for all.
Cons: If she did send it, and he replied, she’d be forced to act, and with her friends being so absent lately she wouldn’t be able to guarantee that she’d make the right choice, because she had nobody to sound it all out with.
She let out a long, low sigh.
She didn’t send the note.
36
Eddie
‘I just get the feeling,’ Eddie said across the table to his best friend, ‘that she’s holding something back. Like, she’s there, sat next to me or walking beside me or opposite me at the dinner table, and we’ll talk and laugh and make jokes and plans, but just occasionally, sometimes, it’s like her mind wanders off and she’s thinking of something – or, I dunno, I guess I worry someone – else.’
‘Oh, that sucks,’ said Callie sympathetically. The two had known each other since they were ten years old, growing up as neighbours, and losing their virginity to one another, but ultimately deciding that they were better off as friends. Callie had come to Eddie’s university one weekend in his first year and met his course-mate, Matt, who just happened to be at the Student Union with them that night, and now the two were married, had two kids, had survived one bout of chlamydia and secured a mortgage on a beautiful corner apartment off Old Street. Matt was across the street with the kids at the park, playing on the swings. Eddie and Callie could see them from where they sat by the window, and waved occasionally.
‘Do I sound crazy?’ Eddie continued. ‘I can’t tell you anything specific, really. It’s just a feeling.’
Callie shrugged. ‘You get a pretty good read on people, Ed. If your gut is telling you something …’ She trailed off. She didn’t want to actively encourage him to doubt his relationship. He’d been so happy when he’d FaceTimed, the weekend after he’d met her. Callie knew he looked at the life she had with Matt and wanted it for himself – he’d always been unabashedly romantic. It had just never worked out with any of his girlfriends, for some reason. The six months she and Matt had had to double-date him and Melania were six months she’d had to block out of her mind – that woman was a frozen pea tester, for god’s sake! How had Eddie managed to date a woman whose job was to assess the temperature of frozen peas on the production line! – and she’d understood when that had to end, but most of the other girls had all been nice enough. Callie really felt for him.