Our Broken Pieces - M.E. Clayton Page 0,30

disputed. “You’re curvy. And there are plenty of grown men who appreciate curves. We’re not in college anymore, Mys. Mature guys look beyond being a size two.”

Of course, I couldn’t tell her the real reason I didn’t want to date. The simple fact was that what I needed from a man was unhealthy and I was too scared to ever voice the need to another partner ever again. It was a sick balance between knowing that I would never want to endure the horrors of being raped but wishing that I could find a man who could read my mind enough to know when no really means yes. And, deep down, even if I could manage that balancing act, Gage Evans already destroyed any part of me that wanted to try again.

I still wanted to be taken in the worst way, however, I didn’t trust myself or anyone else anymore in that regard. No matter how much I wanted to be possessed by a man, who would stop at nothing to have me, I thought I’d had that in Gage, and being proven wrong had very nearly destroyed me. Piece of me were still missing, ten years later.

“Well, chubby or not,” I replied, returning to our conversation, “I’m just not up for the song and dance of a first date.”

“Screw a first date then,” Rowan laughed. “Just go out and get laid, if nothing else, Mys. I mean, sometimes a girl has just got to have her needs met. Preferably, all night long.”

I laughed. “Yeah, Rowan, I’ll get right on that.”

“You need to get on something,” she retorted. “Preferably something with eight inches.

Now she was really reaching. “Eight inches is a rather lofty goal there, Row.”

“Not even,” she argued. “Ten inches is a lofty goal. Eight inches is reasonable.”

I shook my head. This girl. “Okay, I’m done with this conversation,” I announced. “I am not going to discuss penis sizes with you while I’m at work. And, for the record, eight inches is way more than average.”

“Riiiiight,” she chuckled. “We’ll table this for when I get back and we can have a girls’ night.”

I laughed. “Have a safe trip, Row.”

“I will,” she said, a smile in her voice. “Love you, Mystic.”

“Love you, too.”

I didn’t like lying to Rowan, but my drought was a lot longer than she believed. Over the years, I’ve given her stories of one-night stands that never happened, but it was because I knew she’d flip if she knew the truth. If she knew it’s been close to six years since I’ve had sex, she’d insist on knowing why. And, for the most part, she’d be right to be concerned. Even chubby girls could find sex if a man lowered his expectations a bit. Everyone knew it was easier for women to get laid than men, no matter what the girl looked like. Men were suckers for pussy. Especially, the kind that came without strings or next day phone calls.

And while I missed sex, I didn’t want to fake it. I didn’t want to meet that moment of disappointment when foreplay morphed into sex. I didn’t want to have to pretend to cum or even enjoy it. Sure, there were rumored sex clubs and I could always look into one of the million dating sites on the internet, but I didn’t want something that was orchestrated.

I wanted the real deal.

Because I knew what the real deal felt like.

I wanted unleashed, and I wanted it to be genuine. I didn’t want a guy playing a part as if my sexual desires were a fantasy to be played out. The dark needs in my soul were not part of a fantasy. They weren’t roleplaying opportunities. They went beyond spicing up the bedroom.

My desires were one of the realest things about me, and as much as I hated to admit it, they weren’t something I thought I’d ever get over. At least, not without the help of a real professional, or medication.

And I knew I’d never get over Gage Evans, no matter how hard I’ve tried over the years.

I looked down at my desk, at Reagan’s latest project, and decided to go back to what I could actually control. This experience would eventually help me get to where I wanted to go, and if my journey was taken alone, so be it.

At least I wouldn’t be damaging anyone else.

Chapter 18

Gage~

It was a Saturday morning, and while I never slept in, it was still too early for my mother to be