The idea of it was so foreign, he didn’t know what to say. He licked his lips, then let out a heavy breath. “Can I think about it?”
She just smiled at him—indulgent and a little patronizing because she knew better. And she knew not to argue.
The thought stuck with him though, into the next day, and then the next. He got some of his research done and deliberately didn’t look up university applications and, instead, waited for his phone to buzz—which took until Friday around noon. He’d pretty much written the man off, so when he saw the number on his screen, he wasn’t sure how he felt.
Cian: Big plans, how much time can you spare?
Xan: What sort of plans?
Cian: Surprise ones. But they’re out of town. Just a day trip, promise.
Xan leaned back, his breath falling a little short, and he stared down at his empty hand that had begun to tremble just a little. He was furious, suddenly. Furious that he couldn’t just hop in the car and go like anyone else his age might have done. He was furious that his brain second-guessed every word that came out of every person’s mouth, looking for the angle, the manipulation, the quiet part they weren’t saying out loud.
His thumb grazed the side of the phone, and he told himself to just say yes. Just do it. Just fucking go, because not everyone was Max.
Cian: Okay, I’ll take your silence as a no, so how about a walk in Hampstead Heath? Bit tourist, but it’s a nice day out.
Xan had been there twice already. It was within walking distance of Allie’s apartment, and it was always a little crowded, but not in the same way the tube was or the streets were. It was softer and quieter. There was water and ducks and canopies of trees hiding little spots he could hunker down in and just exist. Noise faded into the background, and he found himself able to think about his life without wanting to crumble into dust.
So maybe sharing it with someone wasn’t the worst idea in the world.
Xan: Hampstead Heath today, maybe your surprise next week?
Cian: I’ll mark you down in my schedule. Can I meet you at your flat? Walk together?
Xan: Yes. I’ll be here.
And that was true. He would be there. He’d be there until he ran the clock out and had to book his flight home. Wherever that was going to be. He’d done a little bit of apartment hunting by campus, and he was ignoring the bubble of anxiety that lived in his guts, because unless he wanted to pack up and move hundreds of miles away, there was no escaping his past.
There was no escaping it, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to. Max had already robbed him of contentment and safety and the ability to trust even people he knew. He didn’t want the man to also take the last bits of the only life he’d ever known.
It wasn’t fair.
Though, a small voice in his head whispered, no one said any of this was meant to be fair.
He took a breath, then stood up and rummaged through his things until he found his best outfit. He had absolutely no intention of doing anything with Cian outside of taking a walk and maybe—just maybe—considering a little trip with him. But he couldn’t deny it felt good to be looked at with appreciation. To hold the casual confidence that he was wanted, even if nothing was going to come of it in the end.
Xan was halfway through messing with the gel in his hair when the buzzer sounded, and he startled hard enough his heart thudded against his ribs. Cian had sent a ‘see you soon’ text half an hour earlier, but he assumed soon was later in the afternoon.
He took a breath and willed his hands not to shake as he hurried out of the bathroom, grabbing his coat and shoes on the way. He fumbled with the laces, half in and half out of the door, then he locked it behind him and patted his pocket for his phone as he took the stairs down two at a time. He was faintly out of breath when he pushed the doors open and found Cian leaning against the stoop railing wearing a navy blue sweater and a smile that matched the light in his eyes.
His hair was redder out there in the light of day—just