his face and shook his head. “He’s not coming back. He left a note.”
Luca’s heart felt like it was on the verge of cracking into a million spiderwebbed pieces. “You saw him go.”
“Yes,” Sebastion said, and this time, he let Luca pull away. “I don’t think he knew I was awake.”
Luca made a soft, distressed noise as he swung his legs over the bed and walked to the table where a single note sat folded in the center. It was a heavy vellum sheet, ripped from the journal Luca had scribbled his little note in before. “Did you read it?”
He glanced over and saw Sebastion shake his head. “I wanted to wait for you.”
Dragging a hand down his face, Luca stamped down on a sudden rage that threatened to consume him. “Why didn’t you stop him? If you saw him going, why didn’t you at least wake me up!”
Sebastion pushed up on his elbow, and his eyes narrowed in a glare Luca hadn’t seen in years. He was angry—he was actually angry, and Luca deflated almost instantly. “Because last night shouldn’t have happened. I knew he was going to run if either of us…” His voice cracked a little, and he glanced away. “He’s not ready, Luca. He doesn’t even know how he feels about us.”
Luca threw his hands up, taking a step back. “Yes, he does! He very clearly wants us.”
Easing to the side of the bed, Sebastion leaned over his thighs and gave Luca a careful look. “We saved him. I mean, not…not entirely. He chose to walk away himself, but we were there when no one else was, and I know what that’s like.” Sitting up, he wrapped his hands around his middle, and in spite of his frustration, Luca desperately wanted to go to him. If his touch had been welcome right then, he probably would have. “The first person I said I love you to after Rhys was someone who didn’t deserve those words. And I had no idea what I was feeling because I had spent years being emotionally abused and neglected. My head was so warped.”
Luca blinked in shock, like he’d been slapped. “Are you saying we don’t deserve…”
“I’m saying that we might not be his type. He might not even be polyamorous.” Sebastion pushed to his feet and started to pace a little. Luca hadn’t seen him so unsettled in years, and he hated that this was mostly his fault. He was the one who couldn’t hold back. He was the one who pushed.
“He hasn’t had five minutes away from his ex to catch his breath. We’ve been there the entire time. And I feel the same way you do, Luca,” Sebastion added. “I never totally understood you—the way you burst into my office and declared this thing between us. It took me a long time to catch up to you.”
Luca’s stomach twisted because he knew that—Sebastion had always been cautiously honest about his feelings in the beginning. But it hurt to have it thrown at him like this.
“Now I get it. Now, I want to get down on my knees and beg him not to go and promise this could be so good. Only…”
“It might not be,” Luca whispered.
He understood. He knew he was a lot for most people—even for his husband some days. And Xan was young, and he was hurt. It had worked between him and Sebastion because Sebastion had already moved on. He’d already found the man he was supposed to be, and with Luca, he’d grown into something more, but he was already on his way.
Xan was nowhere near that.
Luca stumbled back until he hit a chair, then sat heavy with his face in his hands. He’d wanted too much, pushed too hard and too fast, and he may have destroyed something so damn good. He let out a quiet sigh when Sebastion was there suddenly, his arms curling around him, and he buried his face in his husband’s chest.
“You always worry that you’re not good enough,” Luca murmured against the fabric of his shirt, “but I’m the one who always fucks it up.”
Sebastion pulled back and touched his chin, lifting his gaze, and there was warmth in his eyes that Luca couldn’t even begin to describe. “No. You love so fiercely and so profoundly, it’s hard for you to understand why some people aren’t ready for it. But you didn’t fuck up. Caring about him is not fucking up.”