when I tried, they were always so damned disappointed.” He dragged his tongue over his lips. “And I knew from a young age, coming out would ruin what shallow, dredges of support I had from them. I told my parents I wanted to be a priest once, just to get them off my back about dating and getting married.”
Xan’s head shot up and he looked at him with wide eyes. “Oh my god. Are you even religious?”
Sebastion snorted. “Nominal Catholic? If any of it’s real, I’ll be going straight to hell because I only show up once a year just in case.”
Xan’s grin widened, and he shook his head as he laid his cheek back down.
“Luca’s childhood was…different,” Sebastion said quietly. “He’s the youngest of three and his parents love their kids so much. It’s…” Sebastion shook his head. They only saw Luca’s family a few times a year, but each time they did was more overwhelming than the last. “He knows he can’t really understand what it was like for me, so instead of trying, he just loves me harder.”
Xan winced a little and didn’t try to hide it this time. “You’re lucky.”
Sebastion couldn’t stop himself from reaching over and tucking a strand of hair behind Xan’s ear. “He has a lot of room in his heart to love people, Alexander.”
“I know, but…” Xan took a breath, but he didn’t go on, and Sebastion understood why.
Sitting back, he wriggled his phone out of his pocket and saw a text from Luca waiting for him. “He’s on his way back. He said some guy gave him shit about Ivy being here so he’s dropping her with our friend Todd before he heads up.”
Xan sat up and pulled a face. “Shit. I’m sorry. You guys can go home, you know. I mean, I really am fine here.”
“I know you are, but I kind of want to be selfish and steal some time with you,” Sebastion told him—an entire, painful truth. “I know you’re going to need real space soon, and Ivy will survive one night at the house with Todd.”
Xan glanced away, but he didn’t argue, which Sebastion knew was a good sign, even if it stung. It meant he was ready, and maybe even more willing than Sebastion had been in his shoes, to move on.
The silence got heavier, and eventually Xan grabbed the remote and put the TV on. Sebastion got up to put the stopper in the door so Luca could come in, then he settled back on the bed and laid his hand between them. Xan didn’t take it, but he shuffled just a little bit closer, and every now and again, their fingers would touch.
It felt like an ocean between them, with the tide ebbing and flowing as they grew closer together, then farther apart.
Luca arrived a short while later looking flustered, his uninjured arm weighted down with take-out bags. When Sebastion tried to get up, Luca waved him off, then dropped them all on the bed before collapsing on his stomach near Xan’s legs.
The younger man laughed softly as Luca turned his face to smile at him, and Xan glanced carefully at Sebastion before raising his hand and brushing it over Luca’s forehead.
His husband, very much like a big puppy, let out a groan and pushed into the touch. “That took a hundred years, I’m so sorry.”
Xan shook his head. “I’m not even really hungry. My stomach has been in knots since…you know. Before.”
Luca’s eyes softened and he pushed himself up to sit. “I get it, but you have to try something, okay? I got the build your own burrito kits so you can just pick at the filling if you want.”
Sebastion’s stomach did something complicated—he was turned on by his husband’s absolute level of both care and competence, and then there was the smallest twinge of jealousy because Luca was always going to be so much better at stuff like this than he was. And it was too easy to imagine being left behind, especially with that quiet, cruel voice in the back of his head that never quite went away, telling him some day his unworthiness would catch up with him, and Luca would see him for the man he truly was.
Shaking himself out of it, he reached for the bags and began to unpack everything. Luca shot him a warm look that settled the cold discomfort in his stomach, and the way Xan’s face held something like relief helped calm him the