him, then startled him nearly out of his skin when he dropped to one knee and reached for the laces. “How long did it take to get bad?”
Xan’s words got caught in his throat as he watched Luca’s clever, large hands tie his shoe. And he nearly laughed because he didn’t tie them like a grown adult either. He did the two bunny ears with the swoops that always came undone, but he grinned up at Xan, and his heart skipped a beat.
“Uh,” Xan said after Luca sat back down. His gaze trailed to Luca’s hand where he had tattoos etched across his knuckles, but the sweater had covered them again. “Uh,” he stopped and cleared his throat, “Not long, but I didn’t notice for maybe a year because we were both so busy. Things fell apart after we moved in together and somewhere around our second anniversary, I knew it wasn’t going to last.”
He licked his lips, then sat back and glanced up at the sky. “I tried to leave once. I packed a bunch of my shit, and I went to stay with my cousin for the weekend. I came home to get more of my stuff, but he was waiting for me with flowers and dinner and this three-page love letter. He apologized—like he actually apologized, which he’d never done before. I think he knew if he let me go then, I wouldn’t come back.”
“I think anyone in your position would have stayed, Xan,” Luca told him, and the honesty and kindness in his tone was almost painful. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Xan’s face burned and he glanced away. “Yes, I did. I fucking knew he wasn’t going to change. It took less than three weeks for things to go back to the way they were, but something in me felt so…” His voice cracked, and he stopped to take a breath. “Something felt broken. Like I’d lost the will to leave. Every time I said I wanted to go after that, he just laughed in my face.”
There was a long pause, and Xan held his breath, waiting for Luca to get up and walk away. And it wasn’t like he’d blame the guy. Xan was a mess, and he had no idea how to put the pieces of himself back into the shape of a man who had bravery and courage to stand up for what was right.
“Can I ask you something?” Luca asked after a little while, and Xan nodded without looking up. “Why do you tell him you’re leaving? Why don’t you just wait until he’s at work and then go?”
Xan blinked, then let out a sharp breath. “Because I stupidly promised him I’d never pack up and leave the way I did that first time. He called me a coward for it, and I mean…he wasn’t wrong.”
Luca cocked his head to the side. “Will you hate me if I disagree?”
Xan blinked, then raised a brow. “With what?”
“That leaving without telling him first makes you a coward.” He said like it was the simplest thing in the world. “He wants to hold you to that promise because he knows that he can manipulate you into staying every time he opens his mouth. And it doesn’t seem to me”—Luca’s eyes darted down to Xan’s wrist—“like he’s done a goddamn thing to deserve you keeping that promise. Protecting yourself, Alexander, is not being a coward.”
“I…I’m,” Xan stuttered. His face was hot, and he felt something like fear creeping up his spine. “It…”
“Look,” Luca said, saving him from floundering. His hands rested between his spread knees, and he stared down at where his sweater hung loose over his knuckles. “You’re young. And I don’t mean you’re immature, or stupid, or naïve. And I sure as hell don’t mean you’re not worthy of being treated with respect. I mean that he’s your first. He’s your learning curve. It’s okay to fuck up sometimes. And,” Luca added, his voice a low, fierce rumble, “it’s okay to break promises when you made them to an undeserving, unrepentant asshole who has not earned your loyalty.”
Xan felt his heart thunder in his chest, hard enough he swore it was probably giving off sparks behind his ribs. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing at all until Luca got a text, then offered him another look of apology.
“Shit, I’m so sorry. I have a work thing and…”
“It’s fine,” Xan told him. “This was a lot more than I was expecting,