One More Time - Louisa George Page 0,61

like that. Hers for a few moments, then gone. She hadn’t known how she’d be able to live without him. How she could get up each morning and face a less bright day. But she had, believing he deserved better than what she’d had to give. Believing he was in a happier place.

But even then she’d wavered. Wondered if he was happy. Wondered if his new family burned with the same fervent love she did.

Wished she could turn the clock back.

And now she had nothing to look forward to. No child to hold in her arms. She ached as much for the baby she’d just lost as for the one she’d given away.

Tears pricked at her eyes but still none fell. Her throat was hoarse with an ache that she didn’t think would ever heal, and the hole in her heart gaped wide.

‘It was like a tight fist of pain that gets bigger and bigger until you think you’re going to die because of it. For a long, long time afterwards I didn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t face each day. I wanted him back so much. I knew I’d made the right choice, but it was so hard to deal with. I loved him. I always will.’

Max couldn’t get past ‘handed him over’. Handed him over like an unwanted Christmas gift.

He knew he should feel sorry for her, knew she couldn’t have made any decision like that easily—but, damn, he couldn’t stop his anger pouring out.

‘If I ever had a child I’d keep it so close, treasure it. I wouldn’t trade it away for a better future.’ Or leave it behind like his parents had. He felt the rage spread across his chest. Rage for what? Now? Then?

He didn’t know. But he heard it in his voice. Raw. Loud. ‘You could have tried, Gabby, but instead you just took the easy route so you could carry on your life and be a success in your cosy nursing career. You are not the woman I thought you were.’

‘Shut up. Just shut the hell up.’ Her face darkened as she held up her shaking palm. Her voice rose a notch, coated with anger that matched his. ‘You have no idea what I went through. You won’t even listen, you’re too caught up in your own drama. You make Joe sound like an inconvenience, not a baby.’

‘Wasn’t he?’ Hadn’t he been? He and Mitchell?

‘No. No. No. And you make me sound uncaring and unloving, and I’m far from that.’ Her finger pointed at him accusingly. ‘I honestly thought you knew me better.’

‘So did I, Gabby, So did I.’

‘Seems we were both wrong, then. This is exactly what I didn’t want from you. I thought, hoped, you might understand. I work hard every day so that if or when I do meet him, he’ll be proud of what I’ve achieved. And I’ll be able to hold my head up high and be someone he can respect. He might understand—more than you, it seems—why I did what I did.

‘My life has never been “cosy”. Everywhere I went in Wellington I bumped into people who knew me when I was pregnant and who asked what had happened to my child. You can’t live four months in a place and not make some contacts. Sometimes they’d come into the ward. They’d ask difficult questions and then everyone I worked with wanted to know about it. And then there was the constant nagging from Nonna, and my mum. “Don’t get into more trouble. You’ve ruined our lives”.’

‘Because you didn’t become a doctor after that, and save their precious skins. I get it now.’ The missing pieces slotted into place, making up an ugly whole.

Her voice rose even more. ‘I couldn’t eat or study for a long time. It was intolerable being around them, but they made me stay and make it up to them. I couldn’t get away from it. And then—worse, much worse—every baby I saw, every child I looked after at work, I thought it might be him. My baby.’

‘Not your baby. You gave up that right when you gave him away.’

She glared at him, eyes sparking with defiance. ‘How dare you?’

‘Don’t like the truth?’ He walked towards the door, but she was already out of bed and hobbling towards him, holding her side as she covered the distance. Her flimsy pyjamas barely covered the curves he loved. Her eyes sparked as anger took her too. Now he saw what had kept her going,