Keane. Listening to Liam talk about Will made me ache to talk to Hollis and tell her what had happened. For the first time over the course of our friendship, I hadn’t called her after something big happened to me. It was if I wanted to keep Liam and everything about him to myself for a little longer. The outside world didn’t exist between us until we invited it in. And I was eager to stay in our little bubble a little longer. “I do.”
Liam sighed and flipped his visor down as the sun blasted his face. “Like I said, Will was spontaneous. He probably thought himself invincible. So we took these trips with him twice a year—saved all of our vacation time to chase him around the world. We trekked to Machu Picchu and hiked in Patagonia the year we all graduated college. The following year, we toured temple ruins in Cambodia. We’ve been to Petra, Hanoi, Budapest and countless other cities. We’ve bungee jumped off heights that made Chad vomit, we’ve snorkeled reefs and got so sunburnt that Seth ended up hospitalized. We’ve climbed mountains that grew from the ground defiantly steep, daring humans to navigate their rock face—Vince broke his arm after getting it wrapped in his ropes on that trip. And I once got into a bar fight in Boston completely on accident.” He tapped on his nose. “Broke this bad boy and got a fat lip.”
“How does one accidentally get into a bar fight?”
“When your buddy—Vince—decides to hit on the hottest girl in the bar, not paying attention to the fact that she’s wearing a wedding ring. I pulled Vince away, and the husband socked me good.” He scrunched his nose and winced. “But nothing ever happened to Will. Not one freaking scratch. So hiking and rock climbing wasn’t enough—he started surfing waves that only pros would, diving into underwater caves that had claimed the lives of too many and convincing himself that he could handle any angry rapids that crossed him and his kayak.”
Silence fell over us in the spacious cab of his truck. I took in Liam’s profile, seeing the wince that lingered in the lines around his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t help anything. But I’m so sorry you lost someone who meant a great deal to you.”
“I was supposed to go on that last trip, as I told you before. I didn’t go. And, obviously, all I think about is what if I had gone? Would it have been me instead? Would I have been able to pull him out of the water? Would we have gotten him help sooner? I think the ‘what if’ questions will haunt me forever.”
I reached across and put my hand on his arm. “I know it’s extremely unhelpful to hear but dwelling on the what if questions don’t change the outcome. It happened. It’s horrible. Your grief is valid, and this will hurt like a bitch for longer than you probably expect.”
He swallowed and his jaw set firmly.
“We all have our tales of woe, right? You’ve had more than your fair share. You’ve lost good people. And nothing can change that.”
“It’s stupid, but it’s just not fair that he was taken away early from the world he so loved to explore.”
My heart pinched. “It’s not stupid. You’re right, it’s so un-fucking-fair. The world is very imbalanced. But blaming yourself or asking yourself what you could’ve changed doesn’t put the world back in balance. It still keeps spinning regardless.”
“Yeah.” He took a deep breath, and I realized this was the first time since I’d met him that I’d seen him really and truly aching. He did a good job of hiding it from me, but I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to. I had told him some of my darkest secrets—secrets my own best friend didn’t know. I wanted him to feel comfortable with me the way I inexplicably did with him.
Squeezing his arm, I said, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”
“That’s the thing.” He glanced at me for one long beat before turning his attention back to the near-empty road. “It is easy, with you. Seth, Vince, Chad? We’re all figuring out how to deal with this separately. There hasn’t been an opportunity to chat about our feelings and shit. It’s just alcohol and tiptoeing around it. I know Vince is angry with me for not going on that last trip.”