to be involved, and I was scared that if I asked and pushed, you’d end things… I know you don’t feel about Sando the way I do.”
Maz already opened his mouth to confirm that, but then he paused. Was that even true? Sure, he’d started out accepting Sando because Lucan loved him. And he had entertained the idea of him being their third mate, but when things hadn’t gone smoothly, it had been easier to park that thought. What did he feel for Sando, exactly?
“It’s true that I haven’t spent as much time with him as you and that I don’t know him nearly as well, but…”
“What are you saying?”
Maz had been a coward. Even after admitting he’d been scared and had held back out of self-protection, he’d kept right on doing it. He’d let Lucan bear the brunt of the pain and the worry and the frustration. Oh, he’d been there for him and supported him but passively. He’d never taken an active role.
“I’m saying that I’ve been an asshole who was so focused on protecting myself from pain that I allowed you to get hurt… Of course I love him. He’s my mate, our mate. But I pushed that thought down because with the way things were, it could only lead to pain.”
Without thinking about it, Maz slid off the couch, on his knees, and crawled to Lucan. He bent low, lower than he’d ever made himself for anyone, and pressed his mouth to Lucan’s bare feet. “I was so in the wrong, habibi… I told myself I was supporting you, but I never stood side by side with you. I always let you take the lead, and I even assured myself that was a good thing because it meant I wasn’t taking over from a beta. I had all these reasons and excuses, but the bottom line is that I was scared… Scared of getting hurt again.”
Lucan’s hand landed on his head, a soft, gentle touch. “Thank you. Thank you for saying that, for admitting that. It means a lot to me. I’ve felt very alone in this. Lonely.”
“I can’t even imagine…and I’m so sorry. I should’ve stepped up, and I failed you.”
Something wet dripped on his bowed head, and it took him a second to realize Lucan was crying. Silent tears that spoke of a sadness Maz had chosen to ignore because that, too, had been easier.
“I’m so tired,” Lucan whispered. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this, fighting this battle by myself. I always thought being in love was enough, you know? I mean, look at Bray. Loving Kean and Ruari and his little boy has changed him. I thought that would happen with us. That you would realize you loved Sando, that Sando would understand he belonged with us, that I wouldn’t feel like I’m alone in this relationship…if you can even call it that, since it seems I’m the only one who’s been committed to this.”
Maz lifted his head and met his brown eyes, usually so warm and kind, now so empty and distant, desperate. “Lucan…habibi…”
“I didn’t allow myself to feel like this until you brought it up because I was scared too. Scared of your reaction, of the inevitable consequences of admitting this, even to myself. Terrified of losing you as well as Sando. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in this weird limbo where I love you both, yet neither one of you is willing to fully commit to me. I deserve more, and I need more. Walking away will break my heart, and I may never recover from it, but this feeling? How I’m feeling right now, with this big, black void where my heart used to be, where I once felt love and joy? I can’t live like this either because it’s killing me from the inside.”
With every word, his voice had grown stronger as if saying it out loud gave him courage. And Maz felt so very, very small. He’d done this. He’d made Lucan feel this way by protecting himself rather than being courageous enough to face the truth.
“You have a choice to make, Maz. Either you’re in this with me, or you’re not, but you can’t go halfway anymore. You can’t say you love me and him and believe he’s our mate but not step up to the plate and fight for him. If you want this to work between the three of us, I need you to fight with