‘But your colleague, Mr Tanaka, is convinced that man in that room, that man Hirasawa, is the killer …’
‘I am sorry. He is not the killer.’
‘But Mr Tanaka swears he is.’
‘I am sorry. I am sorry …’
IN THE OCCUPIED CITY, a young woman. Help me. On her hands and on her knees, she crawls through the Occupied City. Help me, she says. In the mud and in the sleet, on her hands and on her knees, in the Occupied City.
Please help me
IN THE OCCUPIED CITY, I wake up. It is still hot, September now in the Occupied City. And again there is banging on the door and again I am walking through the house and again I am opening the door, and again I am hoping and again I am praying that he will be here, here to take me away, to save me from the Occupied City, but it is only Takeuchi Riichi, Takeuchi Riichi come to tell me, ‘He’s confessed! Hirasawa has confessed!’
IN THE OCCUPIED CITY, in early November, I marry Takeuchi Riichi. The wedding ceremony is coordinated by Riichi’s closest friend, one of Police Chief Kita’s principal deputies.
And I know something is wrong, very, very wrong…
But I close my eyes tight, tight, tight, and try to forget. But every night I close my eyes tight, tight, tight and I remember:
I AM THE SURVIVOR
But of course I know: only through luck
Have I survived so many friends.
But night after night
In dream after
Dream
I hear these friends saying of me: ‘Those who survive are stronger.’ And I hate myself
I hate myself
IN THE OCCUPIED CITY, and later in the Liberated City, I wake up. I wake up tired all the time. For they never leave me alone. I have given them interview after interview. And now I am tired all the time. I had hoped they would go away, but still they come and ask their questions. Once a year, every year, every January, they come again with their questions. Every 26 January, on my second birthday; the day I pray for my three fellow survivors. The day I pray for my twelve murdered colleagues. The day I pray for someone to come and take me away, to save me from the Occupied City, but no one comes.
For there are no white horses, no white horses any more …
IN THE OCCUPIED CITY, I wake again. And I look again for him; in the doorway, at the window, at the table, by my bed, opening a small bottle, dripping its liquid into a teacup
And now I am reaching for that cup
Lifting it to my mouth
But then I stop. For he is not here. He is never here. Never
In due time, in due time …
And so I crawl on, I crawl on, through this city
This place, this purgatory, I crawl on
Beneath the Black Gate, in its upper chamber, on her hands and on her knees, she crawls towards the ten candles, in their occult circle, on her hands and on her knees, she crawls towards the third candle,
the third candle which gutters, gutters and then dies,
and she is gone, back into the shadows.
But in this occult circle, you are crawling now, among its nine candles, you are crawling, in the upper chamber of the Black Gate, on your hands and on your knees, crawling around, among the ruins,
the ruins of this city, the ruins of this book,
your book, your ruined
book; here where you fluctuate between despair and elation, despair at the death and destruction, elation at the death and destruction, here among the rivers of ink and the mountains of paper, the bonfires of words and the pits in the ground, the pits to be filled in with the ashes, the ashes from those bonfires,
the ashes of meaning.
But among these ashes and ruins, among this death and destruction, you do not crawl for long –
For now beneath the Black Gate, in this occult circle, a pair of trousers, a suit of clothes, are swinging from a beam, and now you look up and now you see, you see a white clay mask where a face should be, the white clay mask of a mouse, swinging back and forth, swinging forth and back, among strange balloons, among green crosses, and beneath the cuffs of its trousers, there sits the medium,
the medium who sits and who speaks,
speaks now and says:
‘I was a medical doctor. I was a bacteriologist. And I was a colonel. I served at Camp Detrick, the secret headquarters of the US Chemical Warfare