Nowhere but Home A Novel - By Liza Palmer Page 0,74
thoughts.
“And what does that mean?”
“I have no idea,” I say. I flip onto my back, trying to get my breath. I wish I could say that my change in position has warranted some clarity. It hasn’t.
“Maybe it’s just a case-by-case deal then? You take on one meal at a time and see how you feel after each one. When the bad outweighs the good, you stop,” Merry Carole says, pulling the blankets up and smoothing them over me.
“That’s brilliant,” I say.
“You don’t have to know everything now,” she says.
We are quiet. I’m not sure whether she’s dozed off or is just thinking. I finally am able to take a deep breath and close my eyes.
“I told Reed we needed a break,” Merry Carole says, breaking the silence.
“Oh Merry Carole.”
“I know. I just can’t. The town is too small, and if it ever got back to Cal—”
“Cal would be lucky to have Reed in his life,” I interrupt.
“It’s been just us, you know? I can’t risk it. I would never want him to feel like we did—always second to whoever Momma was seeing at the time.”
“Honey, it’s just not the same thing. It really isn’t.”
“I know that almost ninety-eight percent of the time, but it’s that two percent that keeps getting me.” Merry Carole’s voice hitches.
“Yeah, but you’re never going to be one hundred percent on anything.”
“But you see, you’re wrong. I can be one hundred percent about Cal not being upset if I just shut things down with Reed. See? Problem solved. One hundred percent.”
“So you don’t get to be happy, then. You don’t get someone in your life?”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“Do you think there will ever be a time when you think, without asking his opinion of course, that Cal would accept the man you finally deemed worthy of being part of your family?”
“That feels like a leading question.”
“Well. Do you think Cal wouldn’t consider the fact that you’ve never brought any man around, ever. Until now? And it’s basically his father figure? The man he respects more than his actual father?”
“I know this seems silly to you.”
“It does not seem silly at all. I’m walking around with the same shit you are, trust me.”
“I know you are.”
“Cal’s not holding out any hope that you and Wes are going to get back together, is he?”
“No. No way.”
“Okay, good.”
“I’m just happy they have some kind of relationship now. He goes over there for dinner once a week. And I have to give it to Whitney—she’s been nothing but nice to Cal. And their two kids—”
“Their three kids.”
“Well, yeah, that . . . but the two official kids love Cal.”
“And you’re positive he doesn’t already know about Reed?”
“I’m not positive of anything.”
We settle into Merry Carole’s bed, pulling on the covers like we always did. I knead and push the pillow into the proper position as Merry Carole tugs on the sheet that I’ve pulled too far to my side.
“So, Professor California. Tell me his real name again?” Merry Carole asks.
“Hudson,” I say.
“When am I going to meet him?”
“I don’t know,” I say.
“He can come with you to the team barbecue,” Merry Carole says, flipping onto her side and finally settling in for the night.
“I don’t even know if I’m coming to the team barbecue,” I say.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Merry Carole pulls the blankets up over her shoulders.
“Right,” I say, trying not to smile.
“You’re also coming to church with me on Sunday,” Merry Carole says.
“What? What are you talking about?” I ask.
“And I get to pick out what you wear,” Merry Carole says, kissing me on the top of my head and settling back onto her pillow. She continues, “It’s late. Get some sleep.”
“I missed you,” I say, my voice tiny in the darkened room.
“I missed you, too,” Merry Carole says. I sigh. She continues, “But you’re still coming with me to church.”
“Fiiiine,” I say, unable to hide my smile.
As I tuck myself in tight, I think about the idea of happiness. Lying here with Merry Carole is as close as I’ve gotten in recent years. It’s utterly blissful. I haven’t felt this safe in a long time. What if I stayed in North Star? I could have this all I want. Merry Carole and Cal. Dee and her brood. I think about Hudson and am grateful for tonight. There’s something to be said for not knowing anything about a person. It’s a refreshing change from everyone knowing everybody’s business. I pull the blanket up and begin to drift off to