And if they didn’t know about the store before Finn brought them to the house, then it was a really shitty way to break the news to them in the context of me asking their son for a divorce. It was all too much.
“And the young man you’ve been seeing?” Mom continued, as moms did—poking, prodding, interrogating.
“He’s thirty, not thirteen. And we …” The “we were only having sex” defense didn’t feel appropriate, but it was the best defense that didn’t make it look like I was trying to replace Craig with a much younger man—or infatuated with him in a way that would seem desperate and truly edging the midlife crisis explanation. I sighed. “I’m not moving to Arizona. Not now, anyway. And if or when I do, it won’t be for anyone to keep an eye on me or help me through any sort of grieving.”
“Mom …” Bella broke her silence. “I’ll be fine. I can stay at the house until it sells and then stay with a friend until graduation.”
The little shit. I mean … I wasn’t trying to be mean or let angry thoughts take over my mind, but she was the instigator. I thought we were good. Why didn’t she talk to me more about everything—about Kael—if she was really that bothered by it? I told her I would end things with him, and I did.
I laughed, making brief eye contact with every single person at the table so they would know there was nothing wrong with me. “I’m not leaving my senior in high school home alone and then off to live with someone else.”
“Mom…” Linc gave me the most pathetically sad smile “…do this for us. If you love all of us, you’ll take care of you.”
“I am taking care of me!” My anger built because I didn’t like the looks they were giving me. “I’ve been going to a grief group for months, and I’ve finally started sharing my feelings. I’m so fucking sorry if they’re not the feelings you want me to have. But they are mine!”
Shock.
They all looked shocked.
“And yes … I’ve started using the word ‘fuck.’ And I like it. I like to say it, and I like to do it with Kael Hendricks. I like to do it in the back of my Tahoe, at his store, at my store, in the shower, and on the sofa.” I pointed to the living room. “So yeah … next time you go to sit on the sofa, just know that I fucked Kael on the sofa and the floor too. That’s me taking care of me. So I don’t need to go to Arizona for therapy. I need to do what I want when I want for one goddamn time in my life. I’ve raised four kids, helped run a family business, gone to church every Sunday, and been the only person standing between Ron and Mary and a retirement home. So if you really care about me the way you claim to, then you’ll back the fuck off!”
A note about crazy … most people weren’t truly crazy until someone tried to make them feel crazy. And in the midst of making the case against being crazy … crazy sometimes happened.
Silence.
Not a breath.
Not a blink.
I wasn’t sure anyone at the table still had a pulse.
It wasn’t something I could take back. I’d gone too far—just a smidge.
Ever so slowly, I stood, resting my fingertips on the table while releasing a long, slow breath. “I’m not lost. I’m not having a midlife crisis. What I just said was a reaction from feeling attacked and cornered. I apologize for my offensive language and oversharing. I have bit my tongue with every single one of you at one point or another over the years. I have witnessed you making decisions that I wouldn’t make. I’ve rolled my eyes and sometimes cringed. But I’ve done my very best to let you find your way. Let you be you. Life is incredibly hard all by itself. High expectations and stern judgments only serve to bring people down and make them feel bad about themselves. Your actions are between you and your God. I won’t tell you what to think, who to love, or what you should or shouldn’t do with your body. If you want to get biblical … then here’s the deal. You have one thing to do. Love. That’s it. It’s that simple. You don’t have to police me or anyone else. The