After retrieving an apple from the produce drawer in the fridge, I turned toward him again, taking a big bite, hoping it would keep my mind and my emotions from spewing out of control. “I don w-ah of oo,” I mumbled over my huge bite of apple.
He tugged several times on his earlobe while scrunching his face. “Sorry. I didn’t catch any of that.”
I chewed … and chewed. Once I swallowed, my gaze fell to the floor. “I don’t want to love you.”
“Then don’t.”
Pinching the bridge of my nose and closing my eyes, I eased my head side to side. “Your world is so black and white. If I could control my feelings that easily, I’d still be married.” I forced myself to look at him. “Instead, he’s dead and I’m here. I said I wanted you to make me feel … feel alive. Not in love.”
Don’t cry … don’t cry …
I continued, “So you need to turn around and walk away because I can’t stop. And I hate feeling so out of control. I hate not being able to love the right man but falling so hard for the wrong one. And I get it … this is Karma. I deserve this. But you don’t. So … please walk away.”
Stiffening, I gripped my apple tighter as he took slow steps toward me. “Go …” I whispered.
“Give it to me.”
“Give what?” I couldn’t look at him. He would make me cry, and I wasn’t just on the verge of tears; I was on the verge of crumbling to the ground.
“Your baggage.”
I shook my head, staring at his jean-clad legs.
He eased the apple from my hand and set it on the counter.
“No …” I croaked past the lump in my throat as unshed tears blurred my vision.
“Yes …” he whispered, standing so close to me without making physical contact.
“Nothing … we chose nothing.”
His index finger hooked mine. “Well, that was the wrong choice.”
“What’s the right choice?” I whispered.
“Everything.”
“You don’t want my everything.”
“Maybe I do.”
My gaze inched up his body to his face. As soon as I found his eyes, I blinked. Tears raced down my cheeks. He didn’t move. We stood facing each other with two fingers clasped.
“You’re so good … but I’m not. I’m selfish. I’m cruel. I’m a killer.”
His forehead tensed.
I closed my eyes hoping to stop the tears, but they wouldn’t quit. “I couldn’t ignore all the little things about him that angered me … annoyed me. I let it build. I suppressed it. And over time, it turned into something so toxic I could barely breathe.” Blinking my eyes open, I let them focus on his chest. “He was just eating breakfast. And he said something he’d said a million times before. But I just … couldn’t. Not that day … not ever again.”
I sniffled while hiccupping on a shaky breath. “And something inside of me just snapped. Like an avalanche … it was unstoppable. One ugly comment led to another. Just … two people who had loved each other for what felt like a lifetime … slinging mud, ripping open old wounds, and slashing new ones. And he thought it was just me having a moment. A breakdown. He …” I choked for a few seconds, covering my mouth with my hand while I silently sobbed.
Kael tightened his grip on my finger, but that was it. He gave me space.
“H-he had n-no idea …” Squeezing my eyes closed, more tears made their way free. “I w-wanted out. I n-needed out.” Forcing my eyes open, I met his gaze and swallowed the choking emotions. “I said I wanted a divorce.” I bit my quivering lip for a few seconds. “And he left. That was the last time I saw him.”
“Elsie …” he whispered.
I lifted and dropped one shoulder. “Only two of my children know. Amie knows … I think her mom might know. That’s it. So to most everyone, my story is tragic and that of a grieving widow. It is tragic. I am a widow. But my grief is complicated—my baggage is heavier than most people imagine.”
Kael kept an unreadable expression on his face. What could he say? There wasn’t anything to say. Yes, I knew I didn’t actually kill Craig. I knew it was an accident. But sometimes the heart held onto the guilt until it left a permanent stain. I would always feel responsible for Craig’s death no matter what my brain