Not So Model Home - By David James Page 0,46
that we are all going to miss Keith here.” He poured himself another tall glass of wine right to—and over—the edge of the rim, puddling on the table below.
“Aleksei, I thought you were supposed to stop drinking?” I said, securing my place on the episode for at least a few lines.
“Hard alcohol, Amanda! Wine and beer is okay, especially if the wine is natural.”
“Well, I don’t mean to mother you, Aleksei, but someone here has to call you on your behavior. I don’t think that rehab place you went to did you much good.”
“How many times do I have to tell you, Beginnings was for chemical addiction. This is wine. It’s different.”
“Didn’t you learn anything from their twelve-step program?”
Aleksei huffed. “They only have four steps. People who go there are busy people. They don’t have time for all twelve. Amanda . . . let me say this, and I don’t want you to take this personally: I had one mother already. I don’t need another. Especially a Mommie Dearest.”
“Aleksei, my suggestion is that you go find some really good cock to suck. You can’t drink with a dick in your mouth.”
This comeback had the whole table whooping and clapping. I had nailed it!
While Aleksei’s looks had probably gotten him everything he ever wanted (including things he never knew he wanted), they wouldn’t give him a quick wit. Like I had learned in life, my intelligence occasionally came in handy. Of course, it had also led me to be saddled with four non-paying condos, a house that was never finished, and on the verge of bankruptcy, but in the meantime, I would let my wit shine and have a little fun with it.
Aleksei dropped his shield and decided not to trade blows with me right now.
As usual where food was concerned, the guys at the table picked at their food, avoiding carbs like they would the men’s clothing department at Walmart . . . all except one: Marcus. He was chowing down on his appetizer and starting in on the one pushed toward him by Aleksei. He stopped chewing for a moment and got into the fray . . . in the most diplomatic way possible.
“I have to agree with what Aleksei just said”—chomp, chomp—“I think Keith was a courageous man”—chomp—“a dutiful son, and a great”—chomp—“American.”
Marcus wasn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier—or the most interesting or original—but he was consistent: He never stopped brownnosing. Or showing off his muscles. I swear I’d never seen him in anything but a tank top. I’m hazarding a guess that he doesn’t own a long-sleeve shirt. Then it occurred to me, there probably wasn’t a dress shirt made that would fit his inflated body.
Aurora had to get in her two cents, stealing the thunder I had established a minute ago with my great comment. “Ian . . . you don’t need me to tell you how much Keith meant to all of us. And how the discovery that you had a son was a great blessing in your life that you never expected. That he was taken from us so quickly doesn’t alter the fact that you now have a larger past to explore and your life has so much more meaning. I want to also say this is a wonderful menu! It’s a great tribute to Keith. Basil and pink grapefruit scallops, roasted guinea hen with bay leaves, Madeira, and dates! Elderflower sorbet for dessert. This is going to be luscious, Ian. Thank you.”
“It’s just a shame that most of it is going to end up in a toilet thirty minutes from now,” I threw in. What? It was the truth.
Usually, no one ever heard anyone else talking since they were either talking themselves or just didn’t care what anyone else had to say. But it was one of those rare times when everything went suddenly dead silent, leaving my comment hanging in the clear.
David Laurant burst into a fit of laughter at my comment, clapping his hands wildly. “Boy, does she know us!”
“I take offense at that model stereotype!” Aleksei countered.
“Oh, c’mon, Aleksei. It’s a wonder there’s any porcelain left on your toilet bowl with all that stomach acid pouring into it. Or that you even have teeth left. What the vomit didn’t take, the crystal did.”
I got back in there. “I have to agree with David. You guys can do what you want in your own rooms, but there’s just one bathroom for guests, and you all seem to be using