Not So Model Home - By David James Page 0,16

least Ian has good taste in his house.”

“It’s full of penises.”

“It’s full of male models, Amanda. What else could it be?”

“No, Alex. There are penises everywhere—sculptures, paintings, illustrations, pool floats.”

“Oh, then Ian’s not getting any.”

I brightened up. “That’s what I thought. Exactly.” I sighed. “Well, Alex, there is a silver lining. Maybe.”

“The paycheck?”

“No, that’s expected.”

“Possible future husbands?”

“No, that ain’t gonna happen. I think I’m the only straight person on the show. Oh, wait a minute. Aurora Cleft . . . I think she’s straight. I think.”

“Aurora Cleft? What is she? British supermodel? Nazi she-wolf?”

“Both, but she’s kinda short for the model thing. She’s Ian’s therapist, counselor, exorcist, whatever. But I like her. I think.”

“She’s the silver lining?”

“I’m going to make her my emotional airbag. A buffer, so to speak. All right, I’m going to hide behind her if I need to.”

Alex gave me one of those stop-underestimating-yourself looks. “How about this: Why don’t you work to stand out rather than hide in the shadows? I mean, that’s what they hired you for.”

“I’m there for the comic relief . . . to make others look good while they dance rings around me.”

“Then don’t let ’em do it. You’re much smarter than those vacuous models and musclehead pretty boys. Remember, the image you create on this show is going to stay with you for a long time.”

“Like Janet Jackson’s pierced and armored nipple at the Super Bowl? Great! I still can’t get that image out of my head.”

“I know, I still wake up screaming at night. That is one ugly boob . . . the veins, ugh! But back to the matter at hand. You’re a smart aleck. You’re funny. Why don’t you put all those zingers you come up with to good use?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Alex.”

“Amanda, you said that these guys are vain, narcissistic, bitchy, and vacuous.”

“Most of them are.”

“So then it will be like shooting fish in a barrel. You’re going to stand out if you play off these bad qualities. I mean, if these guys turn out to be as bad as you think they might be, they’re not going to be likable. Ian is certainly not likable. Aurora seems like a hardass. You play it smart and witty, and you’re going to steal the show since viewers are going to want someone to like. They’ll identify with you because you’ll be giving these guys the kick in the ass the viewers want them to get.”

I got up to go, grabbing my briefcase.

“Where are you going?” Alex asked.

“To look through my shoe closet for a pair with really sharp toes. I’ll call you later.”

“Yes, Mrs. Gorky, I understand you’re frustrated that your house hasn’t sold yet and your neighbor’s has. But as I told you, Lionel’s house is 1,200 square feet larger, it has a drop-dead kitchen and new baths, and yours doesn’t. Yours is kinda original. From 1957 . . . Yes, I know yours has the original Formica, and we described it as vintage in the brochures, but it’s still gold-flecked Formica.... Yes, I understand that buyers are out for blood, but that doesn’t change things.... Yes, I think they’re bloodsuckers. . . . What? No, I wouldn’t call them that . . . that’s illegal. Listen, I understand. . . yes . . . I work in the market, I don’t make it. No, I don’t think it’s a Jewish conspiracy. Well, I imagine that Lehman Brothers had some Jewish people working there, but . . . Yes, but I don’t think that has anything to do with your house not selling. Let’s give it a few more weeks, and let’s talk about a price reduction at the end of the month. No, I think that’s what we need . . . Yes, about $50,000. I’m sorry, Mrs. Gorky, I think that’s what we need. Okay, I’ll call you in a week. Okay, yes, I hear that. Fuckers, huh? Good-bye.”

I hung up the phone like it weighed 300 pounds. I was back in the office with Alex after a short lunch.

“Is she still on the Jew-bastards rant?” Alex inquired.

“That was last week. Now she’s after the Armenians.”

“She’s old Russia, isn’t she? Probably missing the good ol’ days of Stalin.”

“Did you see the varicose veins in her legs that she tries covering up with the dark blue hose? And the naval pinafore dress and spectators! She looks like a casting call for the movie Grey Gardens. Alex, could you tell me why we took on this