so bad. I still felt that way, but she was the scared one.
She admitted, “I couldn’t stay away.”
That felt good, though I knew it was more about hockey. Not about me.
But I was going to pretend it was about me.
“You played really well tonight.”
I nodded. “Hockey’s been my outlet in life. No matter what’s going on off the ice, that’s where I’m in control. Some guys, if they’ve got shit going down in their personal lives, they get distracted. Head’s not in the game. Not me. It’s like the ice is the only place that makes sense to me.” I gave her a rueful grin. “But I pushed a little too hard. Got too aggressive, I guess. Coach called me in, asked what the fuck was going on with me.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” It hadn’t felt good going through that talk. “I gotta scale shit back a bit.”
She nodded again, and we stared at each other.
I wanted to touch her. I wanted to hold her. Hell. I really wanted to pull her on my lap and have her grind on me. But I did none of that, forcing myself to sit here and stare back at her like we were just friends.
Fuck that. I was jumping back in. “Chad’s fucking your friend again.”
Her hand jerked in reaction, shaking her water a little. “What?”
I grinned. “Or he did that night. And the nights I’ve been home, he hasn’t. He and I got into it before my Seattle game.”
“You did?”
I was trying to read her, but I couldn’t. I had no clue what she thought about that.
I said, “Called me out, that I was avoiding him.”
“Were you?”
I shrugged. “Kinda, but not at the same time. He was gone when I went home, and then I was traveling with the team. I was going to call him from my hotel in Seattle, have it out, but now he’s blocked me.”
Her eyes got so big. “What?”
I laughed. “Chad’s been my boy for a long time. Don’t worry about it. We’ll get through it.”
Her head bent again, and she started running her thumb up and down her glass. She was doing it, not knowing she was doing it, and I was having a hard time not picturing that was my dick.
Christ. I shifted in my seat, knowing I was already hard.
“Did you mean it?”
She looked back up, and I winced, seeing some sadness in those eyes.
I said softly, “That first night at your place when you told me that you used to love me. Did you actually mean it?”
Her lips parted.
I knew I was still in the learning stages of getting to know this girl, but I felt like I already did. I felt it deep in my core. It was the weirdest sensation.
She sighed, her hand falling from her drink. “I thought I did. I mean, yes. I wasn’t… Back then, I had an altered state of mind. I formed a coping mechanism. It sounds weird, but it’s like my brain couldn’t handle everything coming at me, so I was thinking things that weren’t true to help me get through it.”
“But that night when we went to my place? That first night. You felt it then, too?”
She swallowed, her lips flattening for a second. “I… The idea of you became my foundation. You were my goal, but it was a lofty and far-off goal and I never thought it’d happen. I mean, I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know that until the next morning when I ran. It just got too real, too fast and I freaked out.”
“But I know now. You told me and I’m still here. I still—fuck! I’ve never had to ask a girl to let me in. Like ever.” Which was sad, in a way. “I don’t know how to handle this. I called you tonight because you were up there, and I couldn’t not call. I tried. I feel like giving your friend a trip to Tahiti.”
And yeah, even saying that to her was a humbling moment here.
I didn’t even know what else to say. I was here. I wanted her, but what can you say when they’ve already said no? You keep pushing it and you’re the asshole.
“So, you and Chad are fighting?”
“Yeah, but it’s not about you.”
She bit down on her lip. “It feels like it is.”
I shook my head, reaching for my water. “It’s not. I’ve let things go for too long, and I think you were just the catalyst. There’s some things he needs to