North and Shaw Out of Office - Gregory Ashe Page 0,11

step on your foot?” Shaw said.

“Your Yelp ratings are going to plummet,” North said. “And your Google reviews. And Tripadvisor.”

Red stained the wrinkles in the old woman’s cheeks. “If you think you can get a refund just by threatening—”

“It’s not a threat,” Shaw said. “He’s just pointing out a problem. And he’s right. Look at those husbands. They’re going to have to hear about this all day from their wives.”

“Don’t be sexist,” North said. “Maybe the husbands were the ones who wanted to do goat yoga.”

“That’s not really the point,” Shaw said.

“Exactly what a male-centric chauvinist would say,” North said.

“Exactly!” Sister Hecate Moonbow-Rising. “Exactly, exactly, this is what I’ve been trying to explain to the coven.”

“The husbands like goat yoga. The wives like goat yoga. I like goat yoga.” Shaw sprinted through the list trying to keep Sister Hecate Moonbow-Rising from interrupting. “We want to help, so why don’t you tell us what happened, and then we can get started?”

“I really don’t—”

Studying the screen of his phone, North said, “The first one-star review just popped up.”

“What? One-star? We’ve never—we can’t—the coven will put me on laundry duty for a year if they see that! Fine. I’m sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. Payment in kind would be best. But you’ve got to find the kids.”

“See?” North whispered. “I told you that’s what they’re called.”

Shaw ignored him. “When did you notice they were missing?”

“Just a few minutes ago. They were all here this morning, and they were just fine. I put out their feed, made sure the water tanks were full and fresh, and a few hours later we had the morning yoga class, and the kids were fine. Just happy as can be, you know. I made sure they were safe in the stalls, checked their water again, and then the early afternoon we had our cheese tasting—”

“Hold on,” North said, his ice-rim eyes suddenly alight. “A cheese tasting?”

“We’re off dairy,” Shaw said.

“No, we’re not. You’re off dairy.”

“It’s better to do things like this as a partnership. What kind of cheese? Goat cheese?”

“Well, yes. We have a nice version of a chevre, and we have our own take on a Humboldt Fog, although you really can’t call it that and you’ll never want to go back to the original, and then everyone has to try the feta because the brine is out of this world—”

“The goats,” Shaw said. “I mean the kids. Were they at this cheese tasting?”

Sister Hecate Moonbow-Rising’s wrinkled face screwed up at this question. North chuffed and shook his head in disgust.

“What?” Shaw said.

“When was the last time you saw them?” North asked.

“After the class, after I made sure they were back in the pens. They’re always safe. They really always are. Oh, Lord, I suppose I should call Alice. She knows all about those Yelp ratings ever since the pony peed all over the birthday cake. Maybe she’ll have an idea—if you’ll excuse me.”

“We’ll look around,” Shaw said.

“Payment in kind,” she screeched back at them, hiking her skirts to her hairy knees and toddling toward the farmhouse.

“Does that mean we get a goat?” Shaw said.

“Cheese.” North’s eyes were practically glowing. “She’s going to pay us in goat cheese. You heard her. Another take on a Humboldt Fog, Shaw.”

“This is an obsession.”

“You’re just grumpy because you’re off dairy.” North was obviously trying to stop himself, but then he burst out with, “Maybe they’ll even have something like Truffle Tremor.”

“I think you might be an addict.”

“We’ll have to get a cooler and some ice. Maybe some dry ice. You know, so we can get it all home.”

Sighing, Shaw kicked North’s ankle, and when the other man hollered, Shaw said, “Can we at least find the goats first? Before you start dreaming of suckling at their teats and whatever other weird dairy fetishes you have?”

As Shaw moved over toward the cluster of husbands and wives, North limped after him, milking each step like he was trying to win an Oscar. “You don’t have to be mean about it,” North called after him.

4

NOBODY HAD ACTUALLY seen the goats.

The older couples made that very clear.

The first woman had just had her eyes done. “There are pictures all over the website. Really, there are. And the little goats look adorable. And they’ve got this one video of a woman with a goat right on her back while she does yoga, and it’s remarkable. I told Norris that we’d have the most wonderful time, and now it’s all ruined.”

“Kids,” Shaw