“Can we adopt some of these kids you want so badly? Do you know what pregnancy does to a woman’s body, Phil? Five fucking kids…” I wasn’t even ready to think about having one, let alone five.
Reaching across the island, he took my hands. “It’s not like I wouldn’t be with you every step of the way. It’s why we’re doing this, Kenna—starting our own label and getting our own studio. We’re tired. We all want to settle down and start somethin’ for ourselves. X wants a family. Flipper wants it, too—”
“With his cousin,” I huffed under my breath.
Phil grinned. “Vivian is adopted, Kenna. There’s no blood relation between them, and they’ve been in love with each other since we were kids. They’re tryin’ to figure shit out for themselves right now, but yeah, Flipper wants that with her. And Jason…I’m not too sure Jason knows what he wants, but whatever it is, he wants it with Sheri. She’s got her own shit going on now and probably needs this time more than any of us.”
I nodded and squeezed his fingers. “Look. What you want…I know that I’ll want it, too, one day. I’m letting you know right now that I am not keen on giving birth five times though. You’re just going to have to scale back that number. And now that you know that I’m willing to do this with you one day, I want you to drop the whole matter of starting a family for a while, okay? I’m not ready, not by a long shot. I’ve worked too hard, sacrificed so much of myself to be where I am today, and I’m at a point in my life where I want to enjoy the time I’m having. Can you do that for me?”
“Yes. It’s not like I want to start makin’ babies tonight.”
I smiled. “Alys called them fat little giant babies.”
His face lit up. “Yeah? I like that. We’re gonna have fat little giant babies.”
“Just not anytime soon.”
He nodded. “I ain’t ready to share you like that yet. I just want us to be on the same page. Because…it’s all I want. You and our family.”
“Why do you want it so badly?” I asked, genuinely curious. “What is it about the idea that is so important to you?”
“I don’t know. It’s just what I’ve always wanted. I…” He dropped his gaze and blushed.
“What?”
“I used to have dreams about it. From the time I was really young, like seven years old.” He closed his eyes, and his hands tightened around mine. “I dreamed that we were married and we were livin’ here, in this house. We already had two or three kids. I could see two of them, but it felt like there was one I couldn’t see even though I knew it was there. You were pregnant again, and we were all just so happy. Not perfect. But happy…”
A shiver danced its way down my spine, and my heart skipped a beat.
He opened his eyes, and the vulnerability inside them weakened me—not in a bad way, not really. It just made me feel vulnerable, too. It scared me because he was making me see this dream life, making me want it.
“It’s always the same dream. It’s always you. When I saw you at Bougainvillea that night, I recognized you.”
I wanted to say this was weirding me out, but I had grown up with a woman who could see beyond what could be seen with the naked eye. I had heard the collective psyche for myself, and while I didn’t necessarily believe in all of this, I didn’t disbelieve either. I thought Phil believed in this dream, and that was where the power of it came from.
“Please tell me it’s not freakin’ you out,” he whispered.
“It’s not. My own mother knew about you before I even told her. She knew I met you that night and that you called me your Baby Girl.”
“She did?”
I nodded. “She was special like that. She used to say that everyone has the ability to tap in to the collective psyche. She meditated so damn much that she practically lived with it. For a long time, I couldn’t allow myself to believe in it. I think that’s why a part of me wanted to study medicine. With the science and documented evidence, I could see what was real and what was…other. But the older I get, the more I appreciate her unconventional ideas.”