a fucking head case! I never wanted to know how those women had been treated at his hands. I wanted to know if they had wanted what I had with him. I wondered if any of them had given him a sense of happiness or love.
How could he do this?
The water turned tepid. On and on, I wept.
By the time I had cried enough, the water was icy. My skin erupted into goose bumps, and my teeth chattered. Too tired and emotionally depleted to move, I made the decision just to wait until I became acclimated to the cold temperature.
However, I wasn’t allowed to acclimate.
Silently, someone shut off the water and draped a towel over me before lifting me into his arms.
Phil.
Burning with self-righteous fury yet filled with great elation that he was here, I realized, I’m officially as fucked in the head as he is.
He sat down on the toilet and cradled me to his chest, pressing my soaking wet head to his shoulder. Holding me, he gently rocked us back and forth. Pressing his lips to my Third Eye, he filled me with his sadness, regret, and a sense of unconditional deep love.
My chest loosened entirely, and I drew in an enormous breath. “If you ever treat me like that again, I will leave you.”
“I know,” he replied softly.
“I never wanted to know what it was like to be them. You didn’t let me finish what I was saying. You let your fucked up emotions take over and went into a rage.”
“I did,” he admitted.
“You ruined one of the most beautiful nights I’ve ever had.”
His heart began to pound beneath my cheek. “Baby Girl—”
“You made me feel like I was garbage,” I continued, my tone dull and matter-of-fact. “You made me feel used, and worse, you made me feel unloved. There was no joy or pleasure in being with you. And then you made sure I was humiliated by jizzing all over my back.”
He swallowed thickly. “Yes.”
“I never deserved that.”
“No.”
“That…that was some diabolical shit, Phil.” No, I still had some tears left in me. “You called me a coward again. You made me want to leave and never, ever come back. You made me hate you—”
His arms tightened around me, and he sucked in a deep breath. “Kashmir!”
“What?”
“Stop, please!” he begged. “I deserve this pain—I know I do—but you’re fuckin’ terrifyin’ me!” His breath was rapid and shallow. “How do I fix this? Tell me how to fix this!”
“I don’t know.”
Abruptly, he stood up and walked us into my room, gently laying me down on the bed.
He straddled my hips, taking my face in his hands. “Look at me,” he begged. “Please, Kenna. I know I don’t deserve it, but please…”
Reluctantly, I met his gaze. He had been crying. He was still crying, and in the face of his suffering, my heart constricted painfully in my chest.
“I love you,” he said, his tone pleading for me to believe him. “You are nothin’ like them. When you said you wondered what it was like for them, I…I fuckin’ lost my shit. I couldn’t even begin to wonder myself as to why you felt the need to understand them, and I was so fuckin’ furious that you did.”
“I was only thinking of how they could have been with you and not loved you and wanted what you and I have.”
He was stunned into silence. I couldn’t imagine him looking more taken aback than he did right then.
“That was what I was wondering,” I told him softly.
One of his tears slipped from his eye and splashed down onto my cheek.
“Do we still have…” His chest jerked with a violent spasm. “I’m so sorry, Kenna. I’m so, so sorry! Please—”
Incredibly, I could already feel my heart healing from this hot mess. Reaching up, I cradled his face in my hands. At my touch, he closed his eyes, and more tears rained down upon my face. I pulled him closer until our lips brushed softly. With a thick moan, he deepened the kiss as my mouth opened beneath his.
“I need you more than my next breath,” he told me. “You’re my other half, my reason for existin’ at all.”
Phil pressed his Third Eye to mine, infusing me with his overwhelming emotions. It was hard to believe all of that was inside of him. Brushing his mouth against mine, he said, “Never again, Kenna. I promise. I’ll kill myself before I ever hurt you like that again.”