deal with knowing. For some things, it was better to wait.
“You’ve always seen the bigger picture, Tess.” Surral trashed the bloody cloth. “Don’t lose that now, or every failure will drive you insane.”
I didn’t want any failures at all, especially where dying kids were concerned. “You know I think praying is just a comfort for your own ears.”
“So does Mareeka, but I don’t.” Surral moved her attention to the cold burn on my lower leg. “And the kids can decide whatever they want, just like you did.”
That was part of what I loved about this place. Diversity of opinion was celebrated. Beliefs were presented but never imposed.
“We pray for all our benefactors,” Surral added, flashing me a smile.
I chuckled. “The bees still getting a good mention, then?”
“Oh, yes.” She set down her medical instrument. “They keep us in food and clothes.”
Honey was pure gold. Too bad it reminded me of Shade’s light-brown eyes. I’d probably never want it again.
I sat up without a twinge of pain.
“Tess, maybe I shouldn’t ask, but…you’re sleeping with someone?”
Surral’s question snapped through me like an electrical shock.
I gaped at her, my heart pounding. “What?”
“There’s a bite mark on your neck, and the particular light from my instrument revealed recent…uh…evidence between your legs.”
My face flushed hot. “No one. Not anymore.” My voice came out rough. To my horror, my eyes brimmed with tears.
Gently, she asked, “Is he dead?”
I shook my head and jumped off the table, wanting to run. “No, but he’s a lying fuckhead.”
“Then I’m assuming it’s not Jax.”
“What? No!” I gaped at her in horror again.
She spread her hands, a small, helpless gesture that didn’t seem right coming from her. “I just thought for a moment…that maybe…”
Surral didn’t finish, but I knew what she was thinking. What she wanted to hear. Gabe.
I shook my head again. “No one you know.” As it turned out, I hadn’t known him, either.
I started to move, but Surral’s hand on my shoulder stopped me, lightly pushing me back. My butt hit the examination table, and I crossed my arms over my nearly naked chest. I wouldn’t have gotten very far anyway without any clothes besides my underthings. Probably only to the curtain before I realized and stopped.
I suddenly felt doubly exposed and looked around for a towel or something to cover myself up with.
“I know you’re fully vaccinated, but remind me, where are you on contraception?” she asked.
I wanted to protest the whole conversation, but that was just stupid. Surral taught us what we needed to know as we grew up, and she was the one who’d given me my birth control implant to begin with, when she’d seen how Gabe and I had started looking at each other when we were seventeen.
“There’s about a year left,” I said.
“In that case”—she turned back to her cabinet and rummaged around—“you need another ovulation suppressor. I don’t know if I’ll see you again before the year is out, and it’s sometimes less reliable toward the end.” She looked over at me again with the sterile packaging of the tiny implant in her hand. “Unless you want children, of course.”
I did. Someday. I thought. Unless it was too dangerous. What did I know? I kept getting shot at, and there was a huge bounty on my head. But none of that mattered for the question at hand because…
“I’m not sleeping with anyone,” I repeated—a little dully to my ears.
“Maybe not now. Or again. But ten years is a long time. Let’s just replace it, yes?”
I nodded and let my doctor do her thing. Out with the old. In with the new. I felt the slight pinch as she got the previous implant out from under my skin and then injected me with its minuscule replacement.
“You can remove it at any time,” she reminded me. “Any qualified nurse can take it out.”
I nodded again, but right then, I couldn’t imagine my life being stable enough for kids, which made me sad as hell. It wasn’t even stable enough for a boyfriend. A good, fun, steady guy. Not one who lied, and snuck around, and took his blood money from the galaxy’s most powerful and dreaded Dark Watch general.
“I waited seven years after losing track of Gabe and then slept with the absolute worst person in the whole galaxy,” I blurted out. “Yesterday.”
Surral arched her brows, taking in my confession. “Why did you choose the worst person?”
I didn’t even try to hide my dejection. “Because I thought he was something else.” Shade had