those fine filaments spun out of nothing. Lydia has apparently cheated death this morning. But from the looks of it, she’s not unscathed.
46
Falim
Sunday, June 28th
My mother’s face, already haggard, turned even paler when I told her. She closed her eyes for a long moment.
“But I was only dancing. Really. I never did anything else.”
I’d decided to confess my dance-hall work since Robert might spill the beans at any moment. There was nothing I could do about my stepfather’s reaction, but it was better if she, at least, were prepared.
“So if you hear anything from other people, you mustn’t be shocked. Though there’s a good chance it will never come up.” I spoke with false confidence. “And Mrs. Tham, of course, doesn’t know.”
I was afraid that she’d start berating me for making such a stupid decision, but she only looked sad. “Was it to help pay off my debt?”
I hesitated, but there was no point denying it. “I’ve quit already. So you don’t have to worry.”
Her face twisted. “It was wrong of me to involve you—you mustn’t do things like this anymore. I’ll tell your stepfather about the money.”
“He’ll be furious! Besides, Shin said he’d help.”
“I don’t want you to worry about it. It’s not your burden.” She bit her lip. “Is that why Robert won’t be coming—because he found out?”
“No. I’m the one who doesn’t want to see him.”
“But why? He’s a good man, Ji Lin, if in spite of all that—”
“It’s not right, since I don’t care for him.”
“You could learn!” She stopped, realizing that she’d raised her voice. Then low and insistent. “Don’t miss this chance, Ji Lin. It will make a huge difference—you’ll regret it the rest of your life if you let him go!”
I’d never heard my mother so assertive and, frankly, it shocked me. I shook my head. “It’s not an option for me.”
“Then make it an option. Don’t be so proud!”
It wasn’t pride that was holding me back, but I could never tell her.
“Is there someone else?” she said sharply.
A pause. “Yes.”
“Who is it?”
“Ming.” I studied her covertly. How much did she want Robert as a son-in-law?
“Oh. Ming.” My mother gave a sigh of relief. “You know that’s not going to happen. He’s engaged.” Still, she gave me a searching look. Did she suspect?
At dinner, my mother and I watched each other warily. The prospect of her confessing her debts to my stepfather filled me with dread, but she seemed far more concerned about my missing a chance with Robert. I read the suspicion on her face; she didn’t quite believe I was still hung up on Ming, yet not a word passed our lips because my stepfather was there. He sat, oppressively silent, while we picked at our food. You could have cut the air with a knife. I glanced at Shin’s empty seat at the table too many times and when I caught my mother’s eye, dropped mine guiltily. This was no good. I’d give myself away at this rate. So I went to bed, praying that morning would come quickly.
* * *
But what came instead were dreams. Not the sunlit place where I always met Yi, but other strange visions. Perhaps I’d been worrying too much about the events of the last few days, because I was at a railway interchange with many platforms and corridors and stairs that connected below the tracks. It was like a reverse image of the Ipoh Railway Station. That was white and grand, but here all was dark, narrow, and grimy. Dusk was falling, a blue hush, and crowds of silent, wraithlike figures were rushing here and there. All I knew was that I must choose a train soon, or be left behind.
The people themselves were indistinct. If I stared hard, they dissolved like smoke, but as soon as I glanced away they were back, bustling around on some important business. Walking over to the edge of the platform, I peered at the railway tracks. They ran away like crooked ladders into the distance. A pair of opposing signs pointed to Hulu and Hilir, meaning upstream and downstream in Malay, though that made no sense in a railway station. The track labeled Hilir made me think that far away, at the other end, I might find Yi. It was a wink of a thought that I dismissed, though I had the feeling that if I called Yi right now, he’d appear in that same noiseless, frightening way.