the plates and loads the dishwasher. She’s not happy. It makes no sense to her mother, who sees everything only from her own perspective and is consequently not a very sympathetic woman. In her view, there’s nothing wrong with her daughter’s life – quite the contrary. Amber is extremely lucky. She has a decent husband who earns enough for her not to have to hurry back to work, she lives in a nice flat in a just about acceptable part of London, and she’s been blessed with an ‘easy’ baby. It’s annoying how Mabel always behaves so beautifully in front of her grandma.
Although to be fair, she is easy, some of the time. She only cries when she’s uncomfortable or hungry or over-tired or being bathed. It’s me that’s difficult, Amber concludes as she fills the dishwasher with salt. She so longed to have a baby – in fact, she was completely desperate, more than either her mother, sister or even her husband know. She sailed joyfully through her pregnancy, loving every second of it, even her labour, which was an awe-inspiring experience. Then Miracle Mabel, as she secretly called her, popped out, and within days, Amber had never felt more miserable or hopeless in her entire life.
Only Ruby, six years younger and with no experience of motherhood, seems to understand. If she knew the full story, though, she might think differently. Sometimes Ruby’s support makes Amber feel worse, because she’s never kept secrets from her sister in the past, and now there’s this invisible barrier between them that only she knows is there.
Ruby keeps urging her to go to the doctor, or to confide in her health visitor, and Amber has promised to seek help but has done nothing about it. The truth is, she doesn’t feel she deserves to get better. She views her depression as punishment for wanting Mabel too much.
Nevertheless, she knows she has to do something. This night away her mother so disapproves of isn’t a selfish, frivolous act. It is, as Ruby puts it, a lifesaver. Amber and George, who’ve been together since they were teenagers, are in danger. Their relationship has been lost under a pile of dirty nappies. They haven’t been out together as a couple once since Mabel was born, and they never do anything together as a family. The moment George comes home from work, Amber plonks the baby in his arms and goes to lie down, complaining that she’s shattered. They never see their friends. They hardly even kiss any more, let alone have sex. Most concerning of all, in a way, is that they’re both behaving as if this is the new normal. They never talk about it. Not properly.
Amber tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. It feels thin and greasy, reminding her that she hasn’t washed it for several days and probably won’t have time this morning. Sadly, her old beauty routine for nails, skin and hair – both the wanted and unwanted variety – is a thing of the past.
She hopes George isn’t expecting them to make love tonight. The signs are worrying. He’s booked a luxury suite at a boutique hotel in the middle of nowhere with its own Michelin-starred restaurant. If the website photos are to be believed, their room has an enormous four-poster bed and a deep free-standing bath surrounded by furry white rugs. It’s too flashy for her taste and the bath looks especially provocative, daring guests to splash about together having wild, passionate sex.
Their last attempt at lovemaking was months ago and ended in failure. Amber insisted on turning the lights off and burrowed under the duvet like a shy animal, her confidence completely deserting her. She still can’t bear to look at herself naked, let alone parade in front of George – not with those silvery-white stretch marks on her thighs and the folds of papery flesh around her stomach. She felt so beautiful when she was pregnant, her bump as firm and shiny as a conker, but since giving birth, everything has collapsed. George is being very patient, but as her mother says, men have needs. If she isn’t careful, he’ll leave her for somebody else. There are plenty of attractive girls at the gym where he works who’d be delighted to take him off her hands – staff and clients. Amber loves George and doesn’t want to lose him, but right now it’s the thought of being a single parent that frightens her most. She saw