thought it over as they were escorted to the table. “You’re telling me this to illustrate pedigree doesn’t really matter.”
“People or dogs, I’d say it’s more about how you’re raised than bloodlines.”
Oddly that made her think of Sam Freemont, and just thinking about him annoyed her.
“But I get some breeds are better for kids,” Beckett added.
“It’s funny, Clint and I talked about getting a dog right after Harry was born. We thought we’d wait maybe a year, let them grow up together. Then, what do you know, Liam’s on the way, and we’re dealing with Clint’s next deployment, so it got put off.”
He started to speak, but the waiter arrived with the menus, the list of specials, offers for cocktails.
They studied the menus a moment in silence.
“Does it bother you when I talk about Clint?”
“No. It’s just I never know what to say. He was a good guy.”
“He was.” She made a decision. Lay it out, say what should be said. Nothing would be real between them unless she did.
“It was love at first sight,” she said. “He always said it was the same for him. Just instant, just . . . there you are, now let’s start planning the rest of our lives together. Heady stuff for a girl of fifteen.”
“Heady at any age, but yeah, especially.”
“I never had a single doubt. Never worried, never wondered. We argued sometimes, had more than a few scenes of high drama. But still, I never worried. My parents did; I certainly understand that better now than then. But he was a good guy, and they saw that. They loved him, too.”
“You were like the golden couple in high school. C and C. The cheerleader and the football star.”
“Heady stuff,” she repeated. “We were together two years before . . . we were together. Again, I was sure. I never worried. When he left for basic, I cried all night. Not because I was worried, but because I missed him like a limb.”
The waiter came back, took their orders.
“You were so young,” Beckett prompted.
“And bold. Fearless. I married him, went off with him, left my home, my family and friends without a single twinge of doubt or regret.” She laughed. “Who was that girl?”
“I’ve always thought of you as pretty fearless.”
“Well, I learned about fear when Harry came along. What’s this little person? What if I make a mistake? What if he gets sick, gets hurt? But even then, I didn’t doubt we’d manage it all.”
She picked up her water glass, smiled as she sipped. “We wanted four, with an option for five. Crazy. A potential of fivechildren. I imagine we’d have done that if he’d lived.”
“You were happy.”
“Oh yes. And sometimes brutally lonely, overwhelmed. That’s when fear would sneak in. But I was too busy for that, I told myself. I was proud of him. I hated being without him, hated knowing what he faced every day, every night. But he was made to be a soldier, like his father, like his brother. I knew it when I married him.”
The waiter brought the wine, and after the ritual, Clare sipped. “It’s good. Even better when it signals someone’s going to bring me food I didn’t have to cook.”
“You have more. You should finish.”
“Yes, I should finish.” And be grateful he was willing to let her.
“Harry was playing, and Liam was crying in his crib. I had morning sickness, so I had to let him cry until I’d finished. I knew I was pregnant. I hadn’t taken the test yet, but I knew.”
She paused for a moment, just a moment. “He’d only been back in Iraq three weeks. I never got to tell him we were having another child. It’s my biggest regret. I never got the chance to tell him. He never got to see Murphy, touch his face, smell his hair, hear his laugh. Murphy never had him. Liam doesn’t remember his father. Harry, at best, has some dim memories. Clint was a good father. Loving, fun, attentive. But they didn’t have time.”
“You never have enough.”
Understanding, she nodded, put a hand over his. He’d lost his father, too. “No, I don’t guess you do.
“They came to the door that morning. You know when you see them. The officer, the chaplain. You know without a word being said. The lights dim; the air goes out. For a little while there’s nothing at all.”
Beckett squeezed her hand. “I’m sorry, Clare.”
“I was holding Liam. I’d forgotten I’d picked him up when the knock came.