A New Hope - Robyn Carr Page 0,74

one told me.”

“Then why are you here?” she asked, wiping a tear.

Matt sighed and sat on the ground. “You’ve been blue and I thought I might find you here. If you weren’t here I would have just left these flowers from our garden to mark the day of his death. I’m not surprised to see you but you could’ve told me. You can tell me anything, you know.”

“You just...came? You just... How did you know?”

“You went inside yourself,” he said, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I could think of a few possibilities. So I went to the newspaper archives online and found the obit. I wanted to pay my respects.”

“I wasn’t hiding it from you.”

“I know, baby. Come here,” he said, stretching out his long legs and pulling her onto his lap. “I know it’ll take a little time for us to know everything about each other but that’s okay. I think we’ve got the important stuff covered for now.”

“Like what?” she said, laying her head on his shoulder. “What’s important?”

“You love me,” he said. “I don’t have the best instincts with women but with you I feel different—like I know what you say is absolutely true. And I know I meant it when I said it to you. And I trust you. When you got quiet and wouldn’t tell me why I figured it was something you were still working out. You don’t have to say anything. But I’m listening when you’re talking. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said. “It was the worst day of my life.”

“I can believe that...”

“I called the paramedics. I tried to breathe for him, but it was too late. Sometimes I pulled him into bed with me but not that night. That night I put him in his crib where he died without my warmth close by. Part of me wishes I had him in bed with me, but then I would forever worry that I rolled over on him, suffocated him. And part of me is relieved he wasn’t in bed because then I didn’t hurt him... So the paramedics came and didn’t even try anything because he was gone, he’d been gone for a while. They let me hold him and we went to the hospital. I think they were breaking rules. I saw one of them crying; he was trying to hide it, but he had wet eyes and kept wiping them. At the hospital they asked for him and I wouldn’t give him up and I wailed. I went to the hospital in pajamas and not just any pajamas, the worst pajamas ever worn by the lowest vagrant—and I saved them, the pajamas. I saved his little onesie. And I wailed like a wounded animal and they had to give me a shot to get me to let go of the baby, of Josh.”

Matt started to rock her slightly, holding on tight, his lips against her hair.

“It was terrifying how crazed I was. And when they took him I couldn’t really believe he was dead. They did an autopsy, did you know? Because they had to make sure it wasn’t a disease or a homicide and oh, God...” She shook her head. “When I was able to see him again I didn’t believe it was him but I didn’t say anything because I knew they were this close to locking me up for being a lunatic.”

He kissed her temple. “Do you believe it now?” he asked in a whisper.

She nodded. “Yes. My baby died. There it is. It was no one’s fault. He wasn’t even a high-risk baby or in a high-risk lifestyle. Our pediatrician had two SIDS cases in his entire career and he was no kid.” She turned to look up at him. “Sometimes I wish I could just die like that.”

Matt shook his head. “No, sweetheart, no. We’re going to go forward. We have things to live for, I’m sure of it.”

“That’s what Al said,” she said. “Go forward and have his brothers and sisters.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“You’d do that? With me?” she asked him.

“Sure. When we’re ready. There’s plenty of time. Make sure it’s what you want. Make sure I’m what you want.”

She put her fingers on his lips. “Matt, I never thought I’d have a man like you in my life.” She smiled weakly. “I sure didn’t think so at Peyton’s wedding when you went for my boob.”

“Ah, a defining moment. Impressive, wasn’t I?”

“Drunk and clumsy,” she said.

“Yeah, but I’m persistent. I’m with you now. What do