‘Are you okay?’ she asked him, pointlessly. She knew he was as lost inside as she was. ‘Adam?’ She pulled herself up. Moved towards him.
He kneaded his temples. ‘Not great,’ he said gruffly. ‘I have no idea what to do. Where to go. Everything I touch reminds me of him. Apart from the one place that should remind us of him, which I bloody well gutted. Jesus.’ He sucked in an angry breath, looked heavenwards. ‘I’m so sorry about the bedroom, Cas. I never thought… Not in my worst nightmare could I have—’
‘Adam, stop!’ Cassie shuffled closer and pulled herself to her knees. ‘It doesn’t matter about the damn bedroom. You were there for him. You were always there for him, the only father he ever knew or wanted.’
‘But I wasn’t, was I?’ Adam’s voice was full of remorse. ‘Not when he needed me to be.’
Cassie felt her heart turn over. ‘Adam, don’t.’
‘Why didn’t I offer to drive into Birmingham for him?’ He pressed his thumbs hard against his forehead. ‘I knew he’d be home late. Why the hell couldn’t I have left the job problems to the site manager and bloody well offered? I could have done something.’
‘What?’ Cassie caught hold of his hand, willed him to look at her.
‘Anything,’ Adam said gutturally.
‘The building site was flooding, Adam. You prioritised because you had to. And now you’re blaming yourself. It’s pointless. Josh wouldn’t have wanted you to do that. You know he wouldn’t.’
Adam’s jaw was taut, his shoulders tense. After a second, he pulled in a breath, blew it out slowly. ‘It wasn’t suicide, Cassie. He didn’t sound down when I last spoke to him. Worried about something, yes. But he wasn’t contemplating taking his own life. I know it in my gut. He texted me, for God’s sake. Would he have done that if he’d been planning to commit suicide?’
Cassie felt her own breath leave her body. He was finally speaking the words he hadn’t dared to say for fear of upsetting her. Even though she knew he was right, she felt as if someone had punched her.
‘He might just have fallen,’ Adam went on. ‘I suppose that’s the only other explanation, but I can’t help thinking there might have been more to it. One minute he’s compos enough to be texting me, then the next… It just doesn’t add up. He couldn’t have been that drunk, could he? So why the bloody hell did he just lie—’
‘Adam,’ Cassie stopped him, lifting his chin and forcing him to look at her, ‘don’t do this to yourself, please. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Nothing. Do you hear me?’
He closed his eyes. ‘Christ, Cassie, what are we going to do?’ he asked throatily.
Cassie hesitated for a second, aware that any intimacy between them had dwindled to none – because of her, because her own guilt wouldn’t allow her to seek comfort in his embrace – and then placed her arms around him. Adam reciprocated, and she tensed for a second as he massaged the nape of her neck softly with his thumb. Then she relaxed a little and leant tentatively into him.
Neither of them spoke. They simply stayed like that for a moment, going through the almost impossible task of continuing to breathe, and then Cassie eased away, moving to the middle of the bed, where she reached out for him. Needing no encouragement, Adam followed her. Curving his body around hers, as if that could somehow protect her from all the bad things in the world, he placed an arm gently across her. He was a good man, a strong, caring man. Cassie didn’t move to wipe away the tears that slid from her eyes. If only she could protect him, from this and from the bad things that might still come.
She wasn’t sure how long they lay there. The doorbell broke the silence.
‘Dammit,’ Adam cursed when it rang for a second time. ‘I’ll get it,’ he said, pushing himself off the bed.
Cassie got up and went to swill her face, in case it was someone she couldn’t avoid, leaving the bathroom door open so she could listen.
‘I’m sorry to bother you,’ a female voice said. ‘I wondered if I could have a quick word. If it’s not a good time, I can always come back.’
‘No, it’s fine,’ Adam assured her. ‘Is there something I can help you with?’
‘I was hoping to speak to both of you,’ the woman said – a