New Girl - By Paige Harbison Page 0,91
He didn’t care if anyone saw. Neither did I.
But even so, I was very glad we were alone.
“Do you want to go back into the party?” Max asked.
It was half an hour later. I looked at him and immediately saw what he was feeling. No, he hadn’t pulled away from me this time, but he was about to now.
“Whatever you want to do.”
“She gave you a key for a room, right?”
I fumbled in the wad that was my jeans to find the pocket that had the card. “Yep. Room 402.”
“You want to go hang out there?”
“Sure.”
He followed me up the stairs, past the noisy party, and into 402. Once inside, I sat down on the end of one of the two full-size beds and stared at the pattern on the floor.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out some change. “You want chips?”
There was a tension between us that I couldn’t quite lay my finger on.
“If you’re going.”
I sat in silence while he walked down the hall to the vending machines. Max returned a few minutes later with two bags of chips. One of them was sour cream and onion, my favorite. He knew that much about me.
He handed it to me, but I didn’t open it.
“What’s wrong, Max?”
He sat down next to me. “Nothing.”
“I feel like this…whatever we’ve been has been really hard for you. But why did you continue on with me, if you only ever thought of…Becca?”
Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the fact that finals were a stone’s throw away and I’d never see Manderley again. Maybe it was the fact that I had finally hit my limit.
“I’m with you because I like you.”
“No,” I said, and shook my head, “you don’t. Every time we touch I know you’re comparing me to her and thinking about her. I know you think about her constantly. I know you can hardly stand being around me because I pale so much in comparison. Which is bullshit because there is nothing wrong with me. I don’t care how perfect she was or whatever, I’m pretty damn good, too.”
He said nothing for a moment, and stared down at the design on the carpet, his expression very serious. Without looking at me, he responded.
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. And I feel like I squandered my chance with you.”
“Don’t just say that because you feel bad, seriously I’ve had enough of—”
“I’m not. I— You’re just amazing.” He shook his head. “There’s no way for me to tell you exactly how much you’ve meant to me. This just makes me hate her so much more.”
“Hate who?”
He paused. “Becca.”
“Hate her? What do you mean hate her? I get that you weren’t as in love as everyone thought, but—”
“No, I really grew to hate her.”
I didn’t know what to say. “I had no idea.”
“She was just a girl. Just someone to hook up with and have fun with. But somehow my life became all about her trying to find happiness. Through that whole year, she just got more and more unhappy. I felt bad then for not loving her. Even though she didn’t love me. I just wanted to be able to give her the admiration she wanted. But I didn’t. And that night…I screamed at her. I was at the end of my rope. I was frustrated. I was angry. If she’s dead…I don’t know. I accept some kind of responsibility for it. I’ve felt guilty forever. I was one of the last people to talk to her.”
“But she’s been spotted, right? So I mean, there’s hope.”
He waved away the suggestion. “I don’t know. There are a lot of blonde girls that could look like her.”
“But Dana…”
“Dana’s practically a nut job. She doesn’t want people to stop looking.”
“The Facebook update, there was that.”
“Someone could have hacked it. Some kind of prank or something.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just feel bad. She was really unhappy in the end.”
We were there for a few minutes, both of us thinking and saying nothing, just being together and alone in the quiet room listening to the quiet hotel sounds around us.
“I left my purse in the other room,” I said.
“Let’s go get it. I kind of want a beer anyway.”
We walked out of the room and across the hall. The party had died down for the most part. Some people were passed out, and others were still drinking. I looked outside and saw that Johnny was making out with some girl.