the ghosts attack or possess people. The ghosts give me a weird feeling every now and again. Sometimes, at night, when I’m freaked out or lonely, the chill actually reassures me.”
“Why get freaked out? Also, how can you get lonely when there are so many people living in the house?”
“At night, when everyone goes to bed, the sitting room feels as if it exists in a void,” I say, realizing how childish I sound. “In Ellsberg, our house was in a residential area with normal-sized yards. I could look across the street and see the lights in the other houses. It didn’t feel so isolated.”
“How you gonna handle sleeping here in the woods when the trees don’t even let in the moonlight?”
“I’ll have you next to me,” I say immediately. “I’m not scared downstairs when there’s someone around. It’s when they all go to bed. The house is built old school. The floors and walls are thick. I can’t even hear the babies crying unless the doors are open between them and me.”
“Maybe stop watching all of them movies.”
Now I’m the defensive one. “It’s too late. I’ve already gotten the ideas in my head. Besides, they relax me now. A slasher in a movie is just an actor on the screen. Usually, horror movies have rules too. They make sense in a way real life doesn’t. Like I could be searching for the slasher right now, and he might have been that guy who choked on a hot dog last spring. Real life is chaotic, and chaos makes me anxious.”
Goliath studies me for a moment and then frowns as if I’m pissing him off. “I rarely watch movies.”
“What do you do out here?”
“Sit on a chair outside and think.”
“About what?”
“Stuff.”
“Do you ever feel lonely?” I ask, looking at my sandwich to avoid making him feel on the spot.
“No.”
Lifting my gaze, I find him still frowning at me. “Wasn’t anyone ever nice to you, Dean? Is that why you act as if everything I say is an insult? Or is it just that I annoy you?”
“Don’t get dramatic.”
“I want to understand you. Not change or shame you. Just understand how you work.”
Goliath narrows his gaze. He doesn’t trust me. No matter how docile I behave, he feels attacked. Well, fuck that shit!
“Look,” I say, holding his gaze, “I don’t know why you’re so weird, but I’m okay with that. I’m weird too. The ghosts and my obsession with man-stink. I accept I’m not normal. I’m not looking to change you or me. Why can’t you just relax with me like you do with Hugh?”
“Because I trust him.”
“Why can’t you trust me?” I ask, internally comforting my bruised ego.
Goliath doesn’t answer. I think he wants to, but his answer might be hurtful. Or maybe he really doesn’t know.
“Is it because I’m a woman, and chicks have done you wrong?” I ask in a softer tone. “I used to be scared of men after that shit with the college guys. I started avoiding club events with all those dudes. My problem with man-stink kicked into another gear after that happened. But I learned to get over it by being around men who didn’t suck. Maybe you just need to be around women who don’t want to fuck you over.”
Goliath takes my tenderness as an attack, of course. “What do you want from me? You ain’t here for my charm, Shelby.”
Refusing to lose my temper, I shrug. “I want you to spend time with me and to like me in the way I like you. Maybe that’s not possible, but that’s what I want.”
“People are shit,” he spits out, dropping his sandwich and glaring at me.
His hostility darkens the mood in the trailer. I’m not scared, though. I got over a lot of my crap years ago. Watching Shane and River endlessly fuck with each other made violent men seem less intimidating.
I know Goliath isn’t like them. He’s cruel in a way my brother can’t be. Shane never had to fight to survive. He always had someone willing to lift him up. Goliath’s been alone. I see that in him now. His eyes reveal a resentment over me daring to believe he can live any differently.
“Not all people are shit, Dean.”
“Oh, because you’re fucking special. Bullshit. Everyone stabs each other in the back. I had plenty of fucking friends before I got pinched. Then I was locked up, and those motherfuckers didn’t visit once.”
“Because the Skullz sucked,” I whisper to prevent feeding his rage.