ever made me horny,” she says and sizes me up again. “But there’s only a small window of time for that to work.”
“What to work?” I ask, looking for the con.
“I’ve got all these feelings about you that make simple fucking impossible. I figure I can get over that shit by the time you’re back from the ride with the Reapers. My parents are coming to town during that time, and I find a lot of clarity when they’re nearby. Okay, so nothing before the ride. Then I’ll get big in a few months from your giant kid. Probably after the holidays, fucking will be a hassle because of my size. Then once the kid is born, I don’t know how horny I’ll be. I heard Chase’s wife say she was never horny after their kid, but I think she just doesn’t like Chase. Anyway, if that booty call thing is going to work, we’ll have about five months tops before I’m finished with dick for life.”
Shelby seems done talking but then blurts out, “Oh, and you can’t fuck any sweet butts or whores or whatever while we’re together. I’m not giving our kid chlamydia. But then after the booty call deal is done, I don’t care who you fuck since you can’t give a baby syphilis from holding it.”
“You can’t just be normal, can you?”
“Why would I ever want to be?” she says, rolling her eyes dismissively. “Oh, and I hope you don’t think you’re normal, you giant cranky bitch. I’ve never known a man so angsty who wasn’t also wearing all black and writing shitty poetry.”
I ain’t sure how to respond to her booty call rules or insults. I only know what I know. I’ve dealt with certain kinds of people, and I eventually figured them out. I guess I will, too, with Shelby. Today ain’t that day, though.
That’s why I don’t say anything more than I’ll talk to her after the ride. Shelby's expression answers no questions for me. I came here, wanting to know where shit stood. River made the whole thing seem reasonable. I could trust the Reapers and Shelby.
Except I leave the fancy house feeling more confused than I was before my president showed up and pissed on a grave.
THE WEIRDO
Taylor and Kelsi arrive for dinner not long after Goliath ditches me. I’m still not wearing pants when I go up to visit with them. I do finally find a pair of shorts when I realize my bare-upper-thigh action might traumatize Desi.
Sitting on the back porch, I’m flanked by the blondes as we wait for dinner.
“No,” Taylor insists after I share my booty call plan.
“I don’t know,” Kelsi adds, gaining a frown from her lady love.
“Shelby isn’t equipped for booty calls. Her heart has no protection from the rejection.”
“How do you know if this is her first time? She might be great at booty calls.”
“Shelby’s clingy.”
“Hey,” I whine and then turn to Kelsi and add, “She’s right, though. I do attach myself to people and refuse to let go.”
“I hadn’t noticed,” Kelsi lies, smiling warmly.
“I’m glad you love my best friend,” I say and hug her. “I’ll never let you go.”
“I’ve seen this distraction technique before,” Taylor mutters and forces me to move over, so she can sit next to Kelsi. “If you sleep with Goliath, you will get attached. Then he will act like an oaf, and you’ll get your feelings hurt. Why deal with that stress when you’re with child?”
“I am with child. He goes with me everywhere,” I say, stroking my bloated gut.
Taylor shakes her head so vigorously that her feathered hair bounces wildly. “We’ve decided you’re having a girl.”
“But then I’ll have to have a boy afterward, and I don’t know how to make that happen. Also, what if Goliath doesn’t allow me access to his sperm? So many issues arise by having a girl first.”
“Not that I think you should have a pile of giant babies with a man who doesn’t treat you right, but,” Taylor says and inhales sharply to indicate that she’s about to go on a listing spree, “A, he’s a man who likes to fuck. B, he was in prison without pussy for five years.”
Kelsi leans over her woman’s lap and smiles at me. “And, C, he likes you.”
“Likes to fuck me.”
“Sure, but he likes to fuck you so much that he isn’t fucking any of the sweet butts. They’re mad and claim all the quality dicks are taken.”