need to take me ma for a spin. At least.’
‘Of course you do. I’m just giving you advice, lad.’
Advice isn’t all he gives me either.
Griffo’s dad offers me fifty grand in cash if he can buy the car tomorrow.
‘Cash?!’
‘I only deal in cash.’
‘Deal.’
We shake hands, although fuck, I’m shaking all over. I feel my phone vibrate once and take it out of my pocket. No, it’s not my ma. It’s just a text, thank God, from Helen.
Jim. I’m so so sorry about b4. Don’t know what I was thinking. H xx
Oh Christ, Griffo’s dad’s still talking to me, going through the terms of our deal, making sure neither party is unhappy with the offer on the table. I’m trying so hard to listen to what he’s suggesting, but all I can hear is fifty grand, fifty grand, fifty grand, fifty grand …
‘You don’t want any dickheads scratching the doors ’cause they’ve nothing better to do,’ Griffo’s dad says. ‘And you want that whole fifty, don’t you?’
I swallow, nod.
‘Now look, Jim. I’m not saying you live in a shit hole—’
‘I do live in a shit hole.’
‘Stay in a hotel tonight. A good one. Valet park the car. You can afford it.’
‘Bloody hell. I can, can’t I? Well, I can tomorrow.’
‘We made a deal. You can afford it tonight,’ Griffo’s dad winks. ‘And enjoy it.’
His Perrier bottle empty, Griffo’s dad rejoins the indoor barbecue and I feel my phone vibrate again.
Sorry I do know what I was thinking but didn’t explain right. Sorry. H xx
Then, again.
Let me explain … U went ur way I went mine (FLEETWOOD MAC!!!!!!!!!!!) I honestly honestly thought we were 2 different. I thought u were gonna move on and get some high flying job. I never thought ud stay here!!!!! U wer 2 clever 4 someone like me. Lifes so unpredictable
Christ, Helen. I can’t be doing with this drama, not tonight. I get inside my car, decide to go and surprise my ma. This party isn’t doing me any good right now and I need to be on the ball tomorrow to meet Griffo’s dad. I’ve not even started the engine when my phone goes nuts, buzzing.
Sorry!!!! Pressed send by accident. I know we’ve talked about all this b4 but I’m so miserable and so confused. I love the person Snowy is. But I’m not IN LOVE with him. U told me I went after him 4 an excitin life. U were right. I did. I thought I’d get 2 c the world and go on all those world tours with him. How stupid. I never got 2 go anywhere. I should’ve just stayed with u. H xx
Judging by the fact u haven’t replied I’ll just say SORRY 4 bein a soppy drunk. H xx
Forget all I said. Let’s pretend the kiss was 4 old times sake haha. H xx
7
Zara
At least I have my own room, even if it is in a hostel.
Once I left Clifton Crescent, I screamed as I drove, completely bawling my fucking eyes out. Well, wouldn’t you? It’s not like anybody can hear you when you’re driving down busy roads, trucks overtaking you, tyres crashing through rain puddles. I just kept driving, onwards, onwards. When I came to crossroads or junctions, I turned whatever way I felt, mostly right. Just because. I had nowhere to go, no place to find.
I mean, I’m at a hostel now. In downtown Liverpool. When I realised I’d driven myself in a huge circle, I pulled over outside a high school, all closed up for the day, not a student in sight. I checked my phone, praying for a message, a missed call, an explanation. Nothing. Nick wasn’t even online. He’s always online. I bashed the steering wheel over and over, and not because I’d seen that in movies. It was a solid, genuine kneejerk reaction to stopping and not having any reason to get out. If I’d been in a house, I probably would have thrown something against a wall, to feel it hit, to hear it break. I howled, my head resting on the wheel. Then I blew my nose, wiped my face with my fingertips. I had to create a plan. Nobody can drive around the suburbs in circles forever.
I looked for hotels on the satnav and followed the routes. Five hotels, I tried. Five. All of them were either fully booked or extortionate. It’s a busy time, apparently, so the various hotel staff kept telling me. There’s a big football game on this weekend