Need Me - M. Malone Page 0,42

least pretend to be happy at these things,” I comment conspiratorially.

He glances over with a blank look.

I hold out a hand. “Philippe Lavin. I’m not sure if you remember me. I’m the brother of that sickeningly happy guy on the dance floor.”

“I remember. You’ve been to the agency a few times for meetings. James Lawson.”

I incline my head toward Andre and Casey who are currently kissing like they’re about to tear each other’s clothes off.

“They’re ridiculously happy.”

“Yes, they are.” He grimaces. Then he seems to catch himself, pasting a smile on his face. “Marriage isn’t for me but I wish them nothing but the best.”

“It’s funny, I used to feel the same way. But lately I’ve been thinking it might be nice to have someone to come home to. Someone who is happy to see me.”

It’s stupid confessing all this to a stranger but since we don’t know each other, it seems safer somehow.

James tugs at the collar of his shirt, his face turning red.

“I thought that once, but take it from me buddy. If you want someone who is happy to see you when you come home, get a dog. It’s cheaper.”

He takes a final gulp of his champagne before placing the glass on the tray of a passing waiter.

Well, okay then. It seems I’m not the only one having problems in the romance department. But at least I’m trying. Since I can’t tell anyone about Ariana, I’m forced to navigate these new and confusing feelings on my own.

And I definitely can’t talk about them with her. She’s totally on board with taking our relationship to the next physical level but she’s still keeping a barbed wire fence around her heart, no matter how often I tell her I love her.

I can see in her eyes that she wants to say it back.

My beautiful little devil thinks I don’t understand but I do. She’s scared to let go until she finally gets the word from her doctor that she’s fine. Those test results are like a bulletproof window between us.

I’m worried as well. She told me it usually doesn’t take this long to get the results, unless there’s some sort of backlog.

It usually doesn’t take this long.

I close my eyes, amazed at my own stupidity. She’s gotten the test results back, of course she has.

But would she tell me that right before my brother’s wedding? No. She’s used to dealing with things on her own and she wouldn’t want to pull my focus from my family before such an important event. Because that’s what my girl does. She puts everyone else’s needs above her own and I’ve been oblivious enough this week to allow it to happen.

A cold spike rams through my heart.

She didn’t tell me, which can only mean one thing.

17

I really have to stop hanging in bars.

The bartender hands me a glass of club soda and I take a small sip. Casey is upstairs dancing the night away with her new husband. Vin got to watch his beloved brother get married with no distractions.

I did it. I got through it.

Now I feel like crying.

I put my phone to my ear and listen to the voicemail I got from Dr. Rose two days ago again. Every time I play it, part of me hopes I’ll hear something different. Something other than abnormal and more testing.

All the ways she avoided saying what we both know to be true.

It’s back.

In a moment of petulance, I forward the message from Dr. Rose to my mother. I doubt she’ll even listen to it. If it doesn’t come attached to a check from my father, I doubt she’ll care.

As I sit at the bar and drink my club soda, all I can think of is what’s about to happen. The thought of replaying the last few years over again makes me want to cry. Is this what I can look forward to for the rest of my life, a constant rotation of testing and worry? Never feeling safe to get invested in anything and getting pieces of my body cut out every few years?

Worse, this time I’ll be dragging Vin along for the ride. He loves me so much. If it was just me, I could take it. I’m a survivor. It’s what I do. But he has no idea the toll this process can take on a person and their loved ones. His heart is in my hands and I’m going to trample it by dying on him.

I honestly have never felt