Nash Brothers Box Set - Carrie Aarons Page 0,311

and we’re already on rocky ground. I don’t need to add to the tension by spilling my past indiscretions; it’s big enough that she even came here with me.

Except, when I look over at her halfway through the meeting, I can read the judgment all over her face. Oh, sure, she is trying to mask it, but I can read her so well after the time we’ve spent together. Ryan is uncomfortable, unconsciously twisting in her seat and trying to avoid eye contact with everyone. It is clear what she’s thinking; every one of these people reminds her of her mother. These are addicts, thieves, cheaters, gamblers of security and love.

Which means … that’s how she looks at me. I see her jaw tic and her fingers tap rhythmically on her leg as each person tells of their failures or successes since the last meeting.

Turning away from her, I try to immerse myself in the meeting. If she isn’t going to support me in this, I don’t see how we can get over the rut we’re stuck in. But I do know that I need meetings to help me stay sober, so I pay attention and block Ryan and her meltdown out.

When the session comes to a close, I stand up, talking a little with the other members around me and then saying the serenity prayer before it really ends. Ryan looks about ready to bolt, but I want to talk to Cookie first.

“Perhaps it’s time that I talked to your belle.” Cookie raises an eyebrow when I reach her at the folding table, stirring her coffee.

The coffee here is shit, which is notorious at AA meetings, but it’s better than nothing. “Lay off her, Cook.”

My sponsor shrugs. “She looked like she saw a damn ghost that whole meeting. Her parents abuse her? Or were they drunks?”

I try not to let my surprise register. “How could you tell that?”

“Because my kid looked at me that way for the longest time. You don’t want her looking at you like that. Or worse, thinking she has a handle on it until you’re in too deep, and she breaks your damn heart, Fletch.”

Too bad she already held that power. “I … things aren’t as rosy as they once were.”

My sponsor smiles a small smile, like my sentiment is all too familiar to her. “They never are. That’s love, though. You’re not supposed to feel its wrath in the good times. It’s the rough waters that are hardest to navigate, and you’re going through your first storm right here. I’m not sure what happened, Fletcher, but there are some fundamental issues between you two. You’re an addict, and she’s terrified of addicts. It’s something you’ll have to address.”

She’s right, of course. Though I wish we could just go back, stay in that honeymoon period a little longer.

My whole life has been choppy waters … it was nice to have blue skies for the little time I had them.

36

Ryan

It’s been three days since I went to Fletcher’s AA meeting, and we still haven’t talked about it.

Things are tense and strained, and we’re barely even speaking to each other. I’m still staying nights at his place because that’s what I do. I hold on until the end, until my heart is teetering on the edge of broken.

This time is different, though. With every second that passes where we don’t address the elephant in the room, my shoulders slump a little more with the weight of failure. Fletcher and I have some serious, foundational issues to talk over. He’s trying to keep his sobriety, and I’ve dealt my whole life with caring for someone who was in and out of drug highs. Fletcher wants space when he’s struggling, and I need reassurance when it comes to my abandonment and relationship problems of the past.

We’re two sides of a coin, trying to become one, and neither of us wants to rock the boat for fear of sinking us both.

I’m sitting on the couch, waiting for Fletcher to get home from another late barn shift working on the clock, when my phone rings.

It’s Geralyn, and I curse, knowing that she called me twice this week and I haven’t called her back. My old boss, or current boss … I’m not even really sure what’s going on. I’m still on her roster of employees, though she’s been great in giving me my space. But with my new position at the school, I’m not sure I can even be one of