In Name Only (Pine Falls #2) - Jennifer Peel Page 0,60

waited. At 7:59, I stood at the doctor’s office door waiting for it to be unlocked. I didn’t care who saw me. I was done slinking in the back door. All that mattered was my baby.

As soon as one of the office staff unlocked the door, I rushed in. I was sure I looked like a madwoman, but the sweet woman didn’t startle at my abrupt entrance. Instead, she gave me a kind smile. “Mrs. Holland, come with me.”

Right now, I would happily take the preferential treatment my temporary last name offered.

As soon as I was taken back, I was ushered to an exam room. I guessed Dr. Paulson thought I was still wanting to keep this quiet. I sat on the exam table, my legs bouncing like a ball. A nurse came in after a few minutes to take my vitals and ask me what symptoms I was experiencing. I could barely choke out my response. And I could tell by the grave look in her eye that this wasn’t normal. She handed me a tissue and a gown. I tried to wipe the tears away with the tissue, but it was useless—they kept coming. As I undressed, I stared down at my stomach, begging and pleading with God to make it okay. To save my baby. There were more tinges of blood in my panties. This time redder. Hope continued to fade. By the time Dr. Paulson walked in with her nurse and an ultrasound machine, I was a teary mess.

Dr. Paulson approached me, her violet eyes trying to calm me, but the only thing that could do that was to see my baby alive. To hear a heartbeat.

She took my hand and squeezed it. “Let’s take a peek and see what’s going on.”

I nodded.

Dr. Paulson helped me lie down and get my feet in the stirrups, somewhat soothing me with her gentle bedside manner.

I noticed that this time they kept the monitor away from me. I closed my eyes, waiting for the news that would either fill me with sweet relief or bring me crushing agony.

I felt the transducer as the doctor moved it around more than she had the last time. I knew then she didn’t see what she was looking for. My baby was gone. Tears streamed down my face and landed on the paper covering the exam table. It was so quiet, I could hear them fall.

“Dani, I’m sorry to tell you,” Dr. Paulson paused, “there’s no heartbeat.”

I covered my face with my hands and took a deep, shaky breath. “Why? How?” I begged to know.

Dr. Paulson removed the transducer, handed it to her nurse, and rolled around next to my head.

I removed my hands and opened my eyes to see her giving me a thoughtful expression.

“Most of the time the fetus stops developing because of a chromosomal defect, but it’s hard to tell. Just know it’s not your fault.”

It felt like it was. This was my penance. “What happens now?”

“Since you’re in the first twelve weeks, it’s best to let nature take its course. To allow the pregnancy tissue to pass on its own. But if you would like, we can schedule a D&C to surgically remove the tissue.”

Surgery seemed so permanent and daunting. But technically I was further along, so what did that mean? Should I go that route? I couldn’t ask that, and I hated it. I hated this all. “How long does it take to pass naturally?”

“It’s hard to predict—usually a few days to a couple of weeks. Once it starts, you’ll probably have a couple days of heavy bleeding and cramping, then that should taper off. However, if you start to fill more than two pads an hour or pass clots bigger than golf balls, call the office immediately.”

I nodded, hardly comprehending what she was saying.

“Do you want me to call your husband?”

That snapped me out of my head. “No.” Brock wouldn’t care. In fact, this would be welcome news to him. No more baby. No more me. No more husband.

~*~

I went to the only place I could think of—the loft. Thankfully, Kinsley wasn’t there. I needed to be alone and try to process. For weeks, the only thing that had gotten me through it all was knowing that in the end I would have a child of my own. A child I already loved. Now, I had nothing. It was all for nothing. I’d lost my freedom, my two best friends, the love of my life, and now