In Name Only (Pine Falls #2) - Jennifer Peel Page 0,39
was complicated, or at least it always had been in my life. For once, I’d hoped it wouldn’t be. That it would be the way I’d promised myself it would be when I found the right person to share my life with.
My first experience with sex had come too early and at the hands of a man much older than me. A foster parents’ son had turned my desire to be loved to his advantage. He’d shown me affection and then taught me a sick, twisted version of love. No, it wasn’t love. But, oh, how I had longed for it to be. For someone to love me—a girl who’d never known any sort of love. Instead, he had exploited my need to get something he wanted. Not only had he used my body, but he had almost killed my soul, as well, by manipulating me to do his bidding. I cringed when I thought of all the things I had done for him; all the way from stealing to selling and taking drugs. All enumerated on John’s lists of things he could use against me. Things I’d thought I had already paid for in regret and time in therapy. Yet here they were again, not only holding me hostage but making me question my worth and judgment.
I’d promised myself I would never be that desperate girl again, willing to do anything to be loved. But . . . I rubbed my abdomen. This wasn’t about me. A small, precious life was at stake. A life I had to be strong for. A baby I would have to be both mother and father to. I would show my baby what real love was. I didn’t need Brock for that. All I needed was his name. I would play John’s wicked game. However, I wasn’t going to lose myself or my dignity while doing it. Brant and I had made a mistake, but we hadn’t intentionally tried to hurt Brock. And I was done letting him hurt me over it anymore. I could understand his anger and even his distrust. But, if he couldn’t see that I loved him and how sorry I was for hurting him, I wasn’t sure he was ever going to.
So from here on out, I would play the part of Mrs. Brock Holland in the public eye. In my heart, though, I would preserve Dani Kramer. Eventually, I would figure a way out of this mess for my baby and me. Perhaps if I was really lucky, I could force myself to fall out of love with my husband somewhere along the way.
I am enough. It was a phrase I’d had to repeat to myself many times over the years. It would have to do for tonight. I found some strength and pulled the comforter around me. Though my heart ached, I felt peace. Enough peace for me to drift off to sleep.
I wasn’t sure how long I had slept when I was woken by a knock on my door. Before I could even register that someone had been knocking, the door opened.
“Dani.” Brock stepped in.
My eyes opened and blinked several times. I had left the light on and the abrupt brightness was blinding. When I was able to focus, Brock came into view, dressed in a tight T-shirt and jeans. He was holding a brown paper bag, looking forlorn. “I’m sorry I woke you up.” He stepped closer. “And I’m sorry for earlier.”
“It’s fine.” I tried to act unaffected. “I get it.” And honestly, I did understand—I just wasn’t going to be trampled on over it anymore.
“It’s not fine.” He held up the bag. “I got some mint chocolate chip ice cream, your favorite. I thought maybe we could watch a movie and talk.”
My first instinct was to jump out of bed and join him, except I knew it wasn’t going to change anything. For fourteen years I had loved this man and had waited for him to love me back. I felt like we were on a boat with only one oar and doing circles, not getting anywhere. We had been for almost our entire relationship.
“Thank you, but I’m tired.”
He let the bag drop, seemingly surprised by my declining his offer. Believe me, I was astonished too. I’d never really rejected him before.
“Of course.” He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry I disturbed you.”
I snuggled farther into the blanket before I could give into him—into myself, really. “Good night.”