I was better. I was a lot better. Kuznetsov’s timing had been impeccable, and he’d stepped in before I’d completely fallen apart. That wasn’t something I liked any of my teammates seeing. It was miserable enough when it happened in the privacy of a hotel room or my condo.
I was still jittery and queasy now, but I figured that wasn’t going anywhere for at least a few hours. Maybe longer. I would probably feel more solid once I was home. We’d actually be home for several days after this. I’d be surrounded by everything familiar. I’d sleep in my own bed. Unless I was sleeping in Devin’s bed, anyway.
That thought sent a fresh zing of oh fuck through me, though it wasn’t enough to send me into another tailspin. It had been almost a week since we’d seen each other outside of FaceTime, and I was looking forward to seeing him the day after tomorrow, but what if I hadn’t completely pulled myself back together by then?
Oh, shit.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, held it, and then released it slowly.
If Devin and I kept doing this, then sooner or later, he was going to see me break. There was no telling when, or what would set it off (assuming it didn’t just come out of nowhere like it had today), or how bad it would be, but it was inevitable.
If I were smart, I’d lay it all out and tell him. Just give him the whole rundown. And probably show him because just thinking about it made me want to lose it again, so if I were face to face with him and tried to explain this? Oh, yeah, he’d definitely know I wasn’t exaggerating. Then there’d be nothing to do except let him decide if he was willing to put up with it.
Was I setting myself up for disappointment if I hoped he would?
Chapter 18
Devin
There were a lot of very new and kind of surreal things in my life these days. Near the top of that list: FaceTiming with Jase Kelly before I tuned in to watch a Snow Bears away game on TV.
It didn’t feel like I was chatting with Jase Kelly the hockey player, though. I knew damn well that was who he was, and he was obviously in the locker room, but he was just… Jase. It was so weird to get my head around the fact that this ridiculously talented hockey player I’d idolized and crushed on forever was the same guy who’d woken up, sleep-eyed and unshaven, on the pillow next to mine not too long ago. Or who would, once the team was back in town, be in bed with me again.
But I kept my starstruck fanboying beneath the surface, and just sat back on my couch with a beer so we could chat. Especially since he’d mentioned in a text earlier that there was something he wanted to talk about. Something serious, if I was reading correctly between the lines.
As we made our usual small talk and caught up about our days, I could feel the edginess coming off him in waves. He couldn’t quite sit still. He looked at me, but his eyes darted away more often than they usually did. Was he just wound up because he had a game soon? I didn’t think he’d been like this the last time we’d talked right before a game, but maybe I just hadn’t noticed.
I studied him. “So, what’s on your mind? You said there was something you wanted to talk about.”
Immediately, his eyes flicked away and he bit his lip, and my heart sped up. This really was something serious, wasn’t it? My brain tried to anticipate what it could be, but I ignored it as best I could. No point in getting worked up about what if.
He swallowed hard, then took a deep breath. “Listen, um…” He shifted a little, glancing offscreen again for a second before he met my gaze. He opened his mouth like he was about to speak, but hesitated. Then, speaking quickly, he said, “So one of my teammates and I, we’re thinking of talking to the PR department about organizing another event like we did for Dallas.”
“Oh.” That was what had him practically shaking with nerves? I was dubious, but I ran with it for now. “That would be great if they can do more of that. I know Dallas would be all over it.”