skates came closer. From the locker room into the shower area.
“Hey.” Kuznetsov’s tone was gentle as he asked again, “You all right?”
I wiped a wet, shaking hand over my face. I didn’t even know what was water and what was sweat anymore, and was I all right? No, I was not all right. I just had no idea what was wrong with me, or why, or how to come the hell back down, or—
“Hey. Come on.” Kuznetsov put an arm around my shoulders—awkward when he was in skates and I wasn’t—and he led me back into the locker room. “Sit.”
I didn’t argue. Knees shaking and heart thumping, I sank onto a bench beside the skates I’d removed earlier, pressed my elbows into my knees, and rubbed my temples hard enough to hurt. “I feel like I’m fucking having a heart attack.” Holy shit, my voice was shaking. Like, really shaking.
Kuznetsov sat beside me, took my hand, and pressed two cool fingers against the inside of my wrist. Then he patted the same spot and let go. “Your heart’s going a bit fast, but it’s still beating. You’re good.”
I closed my eyes and pushed out a ragged breath. Somewhere in my jittery mind, I knew it wasn’t that simple. But the calm certainty in his voice didn’t hurt anything. The fact that nothing about what he’d felt in my wrist had him even a little bit agitated, never mind calling for help—that gave me something to grab on to. Not something to miraculously flip the switch, but it was a lighthouse in the storm. If I could keep it in sight, then I could weather this thing.
“Look at me, Kelly.” Kuznetsov put a hand on my neck. “Look at me.”
Gritting my teeth because they felt like chattering, I made myself look at my teammate. He was sweaty and scruffy, a few dark strands tumbling in front of his eyes, which were wide with concern.
“Just breathe,” he said. “You’re good, man. Just keep breathing.”
I nodded, and for a long moment, we both just sat there, him breathing slowly and deeply while I synced myself to him. If someone had walked in right then, they’d probably think we looked ridiculous, and some voice in my head kept telling me this was stupid and pointless because…because whatever the fuck I’d been freaking out over.
But it helped.
It helped a lot.
And he’d stepped in before it had gotten really bad. There’d been a few times where even he or Maddox hadn’t been able to bring me back down. Those were awful—when I forgot where I was and thought I was having a heart attack and quite literally dying. I’d weathered a few in hotel rooms, and I’d woken up on the floor, shivering cold and drenched in sweat and wondering what the hell had happened. Once, I’d cracked a tooth. Still wasn’t quite sure how I’d done that, only that it had sucked.
I wasn’t that bad right now. After a while, I started to come back down and feel like myself again. Sweaty and shaky, but less sure the world was going to drop out from under me. My breathing slowed. Eventually, my heart followed suit. I leaned forward and rubbed my neck with both hands. My hair was still wet, and I doubted it was from the water I’d splashed over it a few minutes ago. An hour ago?
“You all right?” Kuznetsov asked.
I thought about it. Really, really thought about it. And yeah, I was… Well, maybe not okay, but on my way back to it.
Mouth dry, I croaked, “I think so.”
“What’s going on?”
Sitting up, I shook my head. “I don’t… I don’t even know.”
“You don’t know?”
“No.” I wiped a hand over my sweaty face. “I don’t know. I was kind of edgy out on the ice. I’ve been kind of edgy all morning, to be honest. Didn’t sleep too great last night, either, and then I came in here, and…” Exhaling, I shook my head again. “I don’t know what’s going on. I just lost it, I guess.”
“Okay. Okay. Just breathe for a minute.” Even through my pads, his hand was a reassuring presence on my shoulder. Breathe? I was breathing? Had I—oh, crap, I’d started getting keyed up all over again.
I took a few breaths, then nodded. “I’m good.”
He watched me tentatively before he took his hand away.
“Thanks,” I said quietly. “I think you got here before I totally lost it.”
“Collier said you left in a hurry. Thought someone should check on you.”