anyone’s mentioned this to you, but you are spectacularly hot.”
Jase laughed shyly. Breaking eye contact, he swallowed, the blush deepening in his cheeks. “Thanks. I, um, I guess I was afraid I wouldn’t…measure up? And when I realized we’re about the same size, it was a huge relief, but I still kind of…” He sighed, sounding flustered and frustrated with himself. “The only time I’ve ever seen gay guys is in porn. That’s… I mean, that’s really the only time I’ve seen any guys, you know? Outside a locker room, I mean.”
“Ooh.” I nodded slowly. “So you were worried every guy was packing something huge?”
Still not looking at me, he nodded.
“Jase.” I smoothed his hair. “There’s a reason those guys are in porn. Most of us are just completely average.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmhmm.” I searched his eyes. “Did your ex feed that insecurity too?”
He laughed bitterly. “Is it that obvious?”
“Jesus. Did she leave you alone about anything?”
“Not really. And that was one she only broke out when she was really mad. Especially when she had one foot out of the door.”
“For fuck’s sake.” I tsked. “She’s full of shit, just so you know.”
Jase met my gaze, his forehead creased with skepticism.
Smiling, I slid closer to him and curved my hand behind his neck. “At the risk of making myself sound like a slut, I’ve been with a lot of guys. I’ve been with precisely one who was hung like a porn star. Which, okay, that was kind of fun, but honestly, it’s not as critical as everyone says. In fact, I dated a guy for a while who was definitely on the smaller side, and there wasn’t a damn thing wrong with our sex life. He was seriously self-conscious because everyone acts like having a micropenis makes you less of a man, but it wasn’t an issue for us in bed.”
“Really?”
“Mmhmm. Everyone makes… Well, no pun intended, but everyone makes such a big deal out of it, and it’s just…” I shrugged. “It’s not.”
“Oh.” He visibly relaxed, easing against the pillows. “Huh.”
I kissed him gently. “I think it’s just one of those bullshit things people use to make themselves feel superior and make others feel like they’re lacking somehow. The thing is, two guys being together is no different than a man and a woman or anyone else together—you both bring whatever you have to the table, and make it work so both of you are satisfied. There’s a lot more to that than what someone has in their pants, you know?”
Jase nodded slowly, eyes unfocused. “I feel like I’m light years behind everyone with all this. There are guys on my team who’ve been married since college, and I’m…” He sighed.
“How many of them are queer?”
He looked at me. “Huh?”
“Are any of them gay? Bi?”
“I… None that I know of, no.”
“Yeah, well. Welcome to being queer. I was lucky that I grew up in a place where people were pretty accepting, and I had information available to me while I was figuring myself out.” I tilted my head. “If I had to guess, growing up where you did, especially as an athlete, and especially as a hockey player… You experienced some pushback?”
Jase swallowed. “You could say that, yeah.” He stared up at the ceiling for a long time, and then he exhaled. “In fact, yeah, you’re right. I didn’t have a clue, never even thought I might be gay, but I don’t think I let myself. I never once thought about it, but we had some pretty loudly homophobic players and coaches on the teams I played on when I was a kid. Small town in Missouri…” He shrugged. “And the thing is, I wanted to play hockey more than anything so I shut off anything that might get me ostracized. Letting myself so much as consider if I might be gay—no way, because being gay meant I wouldn’t be accepted by the other players. So as far as I was concerned, I was straight, because being gay just wasn’t an option.” He looked in my eyes. “But you can only keep a lid on something like that for so long, you know?”
“Yeah, I bet.”
“And then there was all the shit my ex said, and…” He waved a hand and sighed. “I end up almost thirty before I finally figure out who I am.”
“But you did figure it out.”
He laughed bitterly. “About fucking time.”
“Do you think you’re bi?” I asked. “Or gay? I know we talked about that, but have you thought