man scared me like this, what the fuck was wrong with me? Was I actually gay? Because God knew I’d questioned that a million times, and now that I was freaking out at the prospect of acting on it with a real live man, did it mean it was wrong? Had I just convinced myself I was gay or bought into my ex’s accusations or—
“Hey.” He reached across the space between us and put a hand over mine, the soft touch sending a jolt of electricity through me. “Jase.”
I realized then that I’d broken eye contact again, and I made myself meet his gaze.
“We don’t have to do this,” he said softly.
Panic shot through me, as if this was a now or never thing. It had taken me how long to even have this opportunity with a man? When would the next one happen? And when would I have another shot with this man in particular?
“It’s not that I don’t want to.” I gulped. “I do. I’ve just never… I haven’t…”
“That doesn’t mean you have to now. Or with me.”
I searched his eyes. “And if I want to? Now? With you?”
It was Devin’s turn for what seemed like a nervous swallow. “I’m not saying no. I just don’t want to overwhelm you.”
Oh, it was way too late for that.
And I’d made it to this point; panicked heartbeat or not, I wasn’t ready to retreat. God knew when I’d make it this far again.
So, I relaxed as much as I could and leaned in close again. Devin’s hand moved to the side of my face, then up into my hair, and his touch was firm—not restraining, not like he wouldn’t let me pull away if I wanted to, but steadying. Reassuring. His breath warmed my lips as he whispered, “You sure about this?”
“No.” But I kissed him anyway.
And just like that, my entire world made sense.
I’d never minded kissing, but there’d never been fireworks. Maybe it was men, maybe it was this man, but this long, languid kiss had the whole world spinning around me. After all that second-guessing and worrying and wondering if I even knew who I was or what I wanted, all it took was one kiss to make me land on my feet and know that, yes, I definitely wanted this. I definitely wanted men—this one, at least—in ways I’d never wanted women. I’d always thought there was something wrong with me. Something missing. I’d wondered if those rumors were just the closest thing I could find to an explanation.
But no, I was gay. Or bi. Or…something. But very, very into the man whose fingers were in my hair and whose tongue was sliding past my lips and turning my whole spine to liquid. Holy fuck, if he kept kissing me like this, I’d come in my jeans.
I touched my forehead to his, and damn, I couldn’t remember a kiss ever leaving me this breathless. I also couldn’t remember bringing my hand up to touch his face. Or a time when I didn’t know what his stubbled jaw felt like under the pad of my thumb. Trailing my thumb back and forth over coarse five o’clock shadow and warm skin, I shivered as goose bumps seemed to spring up on top of goose bumps all over my back and arms.
“Holy shit,” Devin whispered shakily.
“Uh-huh.”
We were both still for a moment, just breathing, and then his fingers tightened in my hair and he kissed me again, harder this time. These seats were uncomfortable as hell for this, but I didn’t care. I’d stand barefoot on Legos and not give a damn as long as Devin was kissing me like this—exploring my mouth, gripping my hair, moaning every now and then.
He broke the kiss this time, panting hard as he looked in my eyes. “This is really your first time with a man?”
“Mmhmm.” I swallowed. “It’s a long story, but…yeah.”
He swept his tongue across his swollen lips. “You wouldn’t know it.”
“Huh?”
Devin grinned, running his fingers through my hair. “The way you kiss?” He shook his head. “Never would’ve guessed it’s your first time.”
“Well, I mean…” I cleared my throat. “My first time with a guy.”
He shrugged. “Still. I have zero complaints.”
“Good. Neither do I.” His expression turned serious as he searched my eyes. “But we don’t have to take this any further tonight.” His fingertips drifted down the side of my face. “If things go too fast, it might…”