and he was here, and… Fuck, what was I supposed to do now?
My mind had already started going down the usual doubt spiral that kicked on whenever I was attracted to a man. Was I really into him? Or was I just trying to prove to myself that I was gay and that I hadn’t just jumped on that label because it conveniently explained a bunch of things I didn’t like thinking about?
Deep down, I knew I really was attracted to him, just like I knew—just like I was pretty sure I really was gay. Or, well, I was usually pretty sure. The problem was those nagging little voices that didn’t like thinking my ex-girlfriends had been wrong. Or that thought if those exes were wrong about this, then they were right about how lousy I was in bed. And maybe that was why I was clinging to “am I gay?” because that was a whole lot easier than wondering if sex had never been great between us because I was bad at it, not because I was gay and they were women.
Except…if I were really gay or bi or whatever, would I still be questioning it like this at twenty-nine? Seriously? I would know by now, for God’s sake. That wasn’t something that just dropped out of the sky after all these years and girlfriends. Was it?
I stole another look at Devin, who was sipping a beer and listening to Andersson tell some outrageous story about a fight he’d won at a game in Montreal. Usually I’d be calling out my teammate on his bullshit and reminding him that the other guy had knocked him on his ass, but I barely heard Andersson right now. I was way too zeroed in on the gorgeous man who’d somehow dropped into my world and was now sitting beside me in this bar.
If I’m not gay, why does everything spin when I look at you?
Hell, was it possible to get this far in life without knowing I was into men? Because no woman had ever done to my concentration what Devin was doing to it now.
Across the table, Eric looked at his phone and frowned. Then he faced Devin, and they exchanged something unspoken. Devin nodded, and they both got up, which made my heart sink. No. No, he couldn’t be leaving yet. Could he? Fuck.
Eric extended his hand across the table. “Listen, we have to take off, but it was great to meet you and hang with the team.”
“Thanks for hanging out with us.” I shook his hand. “It was nice meeting you too.”
He smiled, then turned to Devin. “You coming?”
Disappointment hit me in the chest. Damn. He must have driven, so if he had to go, Devin had to go. Tonight was over already.
Devin glanced at me, jaw working. After a second, he looked at his brother. “You know, I could probably get an Uber or something.”
“You sure?” Eric’s eyes flicked toward me, and when he met Devin’s gaze again, a hint of a grin appeared on his lips. “Whatever, man.” He came around the table and clapped his brother’s arm. “I’ll see you later.”
He said his goodbyes to everyone else, then shouldered his way through the crowd.
Devin turned to me, his expression suddenly uncertain. “You, um, don’t mind if I stick around, do you?”
“Mind?” I laughed, shaking my head. “Not at all! Definitely stick around.” I can’t breathe around you, but I don’t want you to leave. What does that even mean?
Devin smiled, which didn’t help with that whole breathing thing, and he took his seat again. “I probably shouldn’t stay too late since I have to work in the morning, but I’m not quite ready to take off.”
My heart was doing things it didn’t even do during high-intensity hockey games. “Well, we’ll be here a while. So, you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. And I, um…” I cleared my throat. “You don’t have to get an Uber. I could give you a lift home.”
Devin met my gaze. “Really?”
“Sure.” I shrugged. “I only had one beer tonight, and my car’s just back at the stadium, if you don’t mind walking a ways.”
“No, no, not at all. But I live out in Pine Lake.” His brow creased. “I don’t want you going out of your way to—”
“Nah, it’s not that far out of the way.” And it means more time with you. Oh, God, why am I so ridiculous over you? “Just let me know when you