“Yes, that part does scare me,” I went on, struggling to keep my nerves out of my voice. “But I love you, and I love her, and I’ve been missing both of you like crazy. I just…” I dropped my gaze and ran a hand through my hair as my heart kept beating faster and faster. “I bailed because I was scared.”
“Of what?” His voice was gentler now. His expression probably was too, but I couldn’t look at him.
“Of not knowing how to be…” I closed my eyes, exhaled, then forced myself to meet his gaze. “I’m still figuring out how to be a gay man. I don’t have the first clue how to be a boyfriend. And trying to be both of those things and possibly a stepdad? Or something like a stepdad?” I shook my head. “It was just… It was too much. After you told me it was all or nothing—you and Dallas, or not at all—I was afraid I couldn’t live up to that, and I panicked. Then I really panicked. That was what happened the night I went to the hospital. And when we sat down to talk, I guess I just felt so out of control, and like I was going to lose it again, and I… I freaked out.”
He stared at me, eyes wide and lips apart.
“I can barely function on my own,” I said shakily. “Which… the last couple of weeks have made me realize I need to do something about that too. About me.”
“What do you mean?”
I swallowed. “My coach wouldn’t let me back out on the ice until I talked to someone about having anxiety. And I did. And holy shit, have I got some anxiety, and I…” Goddammit, of all times, why couldn’t I pull myself together? I raked a hand through my hair. When the hell had I started sweating? Why couldn’t I pull my thoughts together? “Look, I’m…”
“Jase.” Devin touched my arm. “Look at me.”
I swallowed, then lifted my gaze and looked in his eyes, which somehow simultaneously calmed me down and made the panic burn even hotter. Like his expression was reassuring and soothing, but that just underscored how much I had to lose if I fucked this up. Or even if I got it right but it was too little too late.
“Slow down, okay?” he whispered. “So this was… What happened the night we broke up…”
“It wasn’t because of you. It was because of me.” I held his gaze, though it was a struggle, and my voice was unsteady as I whispered, “Look at me. That night I went to the hospital? It’s not usually that bad, but it happens a lot. I can’t tell you how many times it’s happened. Anything stresses me out, and…” I held up my hand between us so he could see how bad it was shaking. “When I say I left because I panicked, I mean I panicked. And I panic about… God, about everything. Like, I can’t just enjoy the two of us together or hanging out with Dallas because my brain starts spiraling down. The night before we broke up was the first time I went to the hospital and the first time in a long time it cost me any time on the ice. So I just felt like everything was out of control, and I…” I took a breath. “Remember when you said the world is every other kid’s oyster, but it’s Dallas’s minefield?”
Wordlessly, Devin nodded.
“Okay, well, I had a coach tell me once that I’m the oyster. And every time the world gives me some kind of grit, I obsess over it and obsess over it, but instead of making a pearl, I make myself crazy.” I paused, then laughed, shaking my head. “That probably made a lot more sense in my head.”
“No,” he said softly. “It makes sense. It really does.”
I looked at him again, and his expression was full of sincerity. Maybe those walls hadn’t come down, but he wasn’t shoving me back either. Cautiously, I went on. “So with us, and with Dallas… I mean, when you told me you and Dallas are a package deal and I needed to make a decision…” I wiped a hand over my face and exhaled. “I just couldn’t get that out of my head, you know? I couldn’t handle it, but it wasn’t because of Dallas’s migraines or because you’re a single dad. It’s because I can’t handle anything. Then suddenly