um…” I drummed my nails on the table. “There’s actually a reason I wanted to see you guys tonight. I mean, I always do, but I…”
Both my parents sobered, and they watched me with concerned expressions.
Fuck. There was no turning back now. If I chickened out, then they’d worry themselves sick over what I’d had on my mind.
And anyway…no. I’d waited too long. It had messed up my head too much. This couldn’t wait.
“Jason?” Dad asked. “What’s on your mind, son?”
I swallowed hard. Well, this was it. Time to put it out there and hope for the best. Not that I’d ever been good at hoping for the best when I was too busy turning myself inside out over the worst-case scenarios.
I took a deep breath. “I, um… I guess I just wanted you guys to know that, um…” I wondered if I could actually say this without puking. Finally, though, the words just came tumbling out: “I want you to know I’m gay.”
And throwing up was definitely still on the table, because holy fuck, I’d said it. I’d said the words out loud. To my parents. Right to their faces. Oh shit. Oh shit. There was no pulling them back in, no pretending I—
“Oh, honey.” My mom put a hand to her chest. “I wondered when you were going to figure that out.”
It took several seconds for me to make sense of what she’d said. “You… What?”
“Jason.” Dad reached over and gave my shoulder a firm squeeze. “Did you think we didn’t know?”
“I…” I flicked my eyes back and forth between them. “Well, I didn’t know!”
“You didn’t?” Mom blinked. “I thought… I mean, we just always thought you were still coming to terms with it and weren’t ready to come out.”
“So you… You knew? You never said anything.” I swallowed. “I didn’t even know if you supported gay people, or…”
“We do,” Mom said with a nod. “We just didn’t know what to say without sounding like we suspected something. We figured you’d come to us in your own time, and we didn’t want to make you think we were fishing for it or trying to push you.”
“Yep,” Dad said. “But maybe we should’ve said some more. It never even occurred to me you might think we wouldn’t support you. I’m sorry, son. I had no idea.”
“Did you really think we wouldn’t?” Mom asked like she couldn’t even fathom that I would ever question their support.
“That’s the thing—I didn’t know,” I said with a heavy shrug. “I hoped you would, but I knew gay kids in school who were really close to their parents, and then got disowned when they came out. I didn’t think that was you and Dad, but… To be fair, neither did they.”
Mom glanced at my father in horror. “I had no idea.” She shook her head. “I thought we were just keeping the pressure off you so you could come to us in your own time.” Mom got up, came around the table, and pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t realize we were leaving you hanging like that.”
I closed my eyes and returned her embrace, relief almost knocking me out of my chair. She held me like that for a moment, and I had to fight back tears and keep myself from laughing and hold back a million different reactions that didn’t seem right, but kind of felt right. I was relieved. I regretted all those years when I could have come out to them and to myself if I’d stopped being in denial. Grieving lost time, hating myself for being such a coward, feeling more secure than I had in a long time about my parents’ love—I was pretty sure I felt literally every imaginable emotion right then, and I didn’t care if any of them made sense.
This wouldn’t magically cure the anxiety I’d just started to understand, but it was like this secret had been choking me all this time, and now I could breathe. And now that I could breathe, I could start dealing with everything else.
When Mom let me go and returned to her seat, I swiped at my eyes and looked at my parents. “How did you know?”
Dad laughed softly. “Son, you weren’t exactly subtle.”
I stared at him. “Huh?”
He gave my shoulder a firm pat. “You didn’t think we noticed your crush on Lane McDaniel?”
“That wasn’t a crush. He was an awesome hockey player.”