My Year of Rest and Relaxation - Ottessa Moshfegh Page 0,74
am I,” she said. “I just want to wake up and it all be over, and I never have to think about this again. I’m not going to tell Ken. Unless I feel like I should. But only after. Do you think he’ll feel bad? Oh, I feel sick. Oh, I feel terrible.”
“Do you want something to take the edge off?”
“God, yes.”
I pulled one of the Infermiterol samples Dr. Tuttle had given me from the pocket of my fur coat. I was curious if Reva would respond to it the same way I had.
“What are these?”
“Samples.”
“Samples? Is that legal?”
“Yes, Reva, of course it’s legal.”
“But what is this, In-fer-mit-er-ol?” She looked at the box and tore it open.
“It’s a numbing aid,” I answered.
“Sounds good. I’ll try anything. Do you think Ken still might love me?”
“No.”
I watched her face flash with fury, then cool. She shook out a pill and held it in the palm of her hand. Was her face at a deviant angle? Was everyone’s? Were my eyes crooked? Reva bent over and picked a hair elastic up off the floor.
“Can I borrow this?” I nodded. She put the pill down and fixed her hair. “Maybe I could look it up when I get home. In-fer-mit—”
“Jesus. It’s fine, Reva. And you can’t look it up,” I said, although I’d never tried. “It’s not on the market yet. Psychiatrists always have samples. The drug companies send them. That’s how it works.”
“Does she ever get Topamax samples? Skinny pills?”
“Reva, please.”
“So you’re saying it’s safe.”
“Of course it’s safe. My doctor gave me it.”
“What does it feel like?”
“I can’t really say,” I said, which was the truth.
“Hmmm.”
I couldn’t be honest with Reva. If I’d admitted to having blackouts, she would have wanted to discuss it endlessly. I couldn’t stand the prospect of watching her shake her head in horrified awe, then try to hold my hand. “Tell me everything!” she’d cry, salivating. Poor Reva. She might actually have thought I was capable of sharing things. “Friends forever?” She’d want us to make some sacred pact. She always wanted to make pacts. “Let’s make a pact to have brunch at least twice a month. Let’s promise to go for a walk through Central Park every Saturday. Let’s have a daily call-time. Will you swear to take a ski trip this year? It burns so many calories.”
“Reva,” I said. “It’s a sleeping pill. Take it and go to sleep. Give yourself a break from your Ken obsession.”
“It’s not an obsession. It’s a medical procedure. I’ve never had an abortion before. Have you?”
“Do you want to feel better or not?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Don’t leave the house after you take it. And don’t tell anyone about it.”
“Why? Because you think they’re illegal? Because you think your doctor is some kind of drug dealer?”
“God, no. Because Dr. Tuttle gave the Infermiterol to me, not you. People aren’t supposed to share medications. If you have a heart attack, it would trace back to her. I don’t want to mess up my relationship with her over some lawsuit. Maybe you shouldn’t take it.”
“Do you think it could hurt me to take it? Or hurt the baby?”
“You care about hurting the baby?”
“I don’t want to kill it while it’s still inside of me,” she said.
I rolled my eyes, took the bottle from where she’d left it on the coffee table, shook one out. “I’ll take one, too.” I opened my mouth, threw the pill back. I swallowed.
“Fine,” Reva said, and pulled a Diet 7UP from her purse. She placed the Infermiterol onto her tongue like Holy Communion and sucked down half the can.
“What do we do now?”
I didn’t answer. I just sat down on the sofa and flipped through the channels until I found one that wasn’t covering the inauguration. Reva moved from the armchair to sit next to me to watch TV.
“Saved by the Bell!” Reva said.
We sat and watched together, Reva chatting every now and then. “I don’t feel anything, do you?” and then, “Why bother having a kid when the world’s just going to hell anyway?” and then, “I hate Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. She’s so trailer park. You know she’s only five foot five? I knew a girl who looked like her in middle school. Jocelyn. She wore dangly earrings before anyone else.” And then, “Can I ask you something? I’ve been sitting on it for a while. Just don’t get angry. But I need to ask you. I wouldn’t be a good friend otherwise.”