but he surprises me. “Won’t happen again. Tea? I didn’t take you as a tea kind of girl.”
“Becca makes me tea when I go off on the deep end. It’s the next best thing to having her here.”
He purses his lips at my comment. “You go off the deep end a lot?”
“I have the tendency.”
“Are you going off the deep end now?” He sighs when I look down and changes the topic. “Are you two close?”
“She’s all I have.”
“Where is she?”
“College in Los Angeles. For art. You think I’m bad now. You should’ve seen me after she left.” I laugh uncomfortably. “She doesn’t know how badly I lost it.”
“Lost it how?”
“I wasn’t used to being on my own. I had to learn it the hard way.”
“Do you have a difficult time being on your own?”
I’ve never stopped to think about it in-depth. “Becca’s all I have. I didn’t know who I was without her. I guess I had a problem with letting her go specifically. I can’t let you go once I love you. It hurts too much.” Our eyes lock.
He clears his throat. “Why did she leave you like that?”
“She deserved to go. She spent her life taking care of me. I didn’t want to be the reason she didn’t follow her dreams. It took me a while but eventually I didn’t have to lie too much on the phone.”
Our waitress comes over with a mug of coffee and a steaming cup of water with a tea bag on a plate. She places a container of golden honey in front of me and then eyes Kent like he’s the hive. He doesn’t notice this time. He’s too busy looking at me.
“What were you doing before you moved in with me?”
I wonder why he sounds accusing as I dunk my teabag, watching the tan swirls discolor the water. “Nothing.”
“You didn’t go to parties or hang out with friends?” He pauses in the middle of ripping open a sugar packet. “You did nothing?”
“Don’t make it sound so drab.”
“I’m not talking about drab. I’m talking about depression. Sounds like me after Willow left. I didn’t even want to breathe.”
“I’m not depressed,” I growl.
“When’s the last time you had fun?” he wonders softly. “Honest, genuine, fun. Without thinking too hard? And I don’t count.”
I look down at my tea and pour my honey into it. “Never. I didn’t grow up with it. There was always something to worry about, which made me inherently uneasy. Becca found ways to have fun, but boys and alcohol weren’t my thing. So I stayed home and read a lot and promised myself I would never end up with my father. The promise consumed me. The older I got the more I realized all men were like him and it was safer to avoid them altogether.”
“But we’re not. You only think we are. You’ve convinced yourself of this. I’m not him. Yes, I’ve made mistakes, I don’t always do the right thing, and I’ve got my own shit to deal with, but that doesn’t make me him. You’re so worried about not being your parents you’re not allowing yourself to live.”
I simply stir my tea so I won’t cry. Still, some bitterness seeps through. “Aren’t you perceptive?”
“Don’t be like that.” He reaches for my hands but I hide them under the table. “You know if you want me to try, you have to try too.”
“I’m not depressed,” I insist. “I’m living. I’m alive, aren’t I?”
“I’m not living right now and I’m alive. I can admit that. The most I’ve lived in the past year is when I’m with you. When I’m around you, Rain, I want to live.”
I put my hands back on top of the table and he takes them in his, my answer clear. He entangles our fingers together and leans forward to kiss our conjoined hands, eyes sucking the life out of me. Take it.
“Ahem,” the waitress clears her throat. “Would you like to order?”
“We’ll have two specials,” he informs her, only looking at me.
“That’s all?” she asks, disappointed.
“That’s it,” I answer, looking only at him.
She leaves us without another word.
“I want to try,” I promise him. “I can’t erase my past or my way of thinking at the drop of a dime.”
“You see my problem?”
Who knew Kent and I were having the same issue?
“I want you to have fun. What’s something you’ve always wanted to do? Or somewhere you’ve wanted to go?”