Just a scared little boy needing approval from his dad.
And then …
He called me his life’s biggest disappointment.
I don’t think any words have ever cut deeper, right beyond my heart, to that black space inside me. It struck me there, wedging itself in forever.
Disappointment.
And he’s right.
That’s all there is to it.
I spent my life trying to be the best that I could be. My dad loved falconry, so I took an interest in falconry. I knew my dad couldn’t continue his dream of playing rugby, so I picked up those dreams and I ran with them. I trained and I played and I fought to be the player I became. I had the money and the fame and the security my father didn’t. But it still didn’t matter. He still wasn’t proud.
I just wasn’t good enough.
It was only over this last month that I began to see him open up, just a little. To see him with Valerie, to catch a glimpse of him watching us together, light in his eyes.
All of that was real. That’s what I wish he could know. That’s what I need to tell him, even if he won’t listen. What he saw, what he witnessed, all of it was real, right down to the way I proposed. I meant all of it when it came to Valerie. The only lies were semantics, they didn’t matter.
The truth was I found the woman I do want to spend the rest of my life with.
She’s in bed with me, looking at me with her soulful blue eyes.
She’s in pain too. She takes things to heart—she has such a beautiful heart—and I know her relationship with my dad and my nan were important to her too.
All evening we stayed up in this room with a bottle of whisky and just talked in hushed voices about how we felt, what we needed to do, how we were going to get through this. It all felt so promising last night but in the cold reality of this morning, it seems harder to crack than ice.
“I think we slept in,” Valerie says quietly, pulling the covers up to her chin.
“Probably for the best.” Lord knows I can sleep forever these days.
We eventually get up and out of bed and get dressed, heading out to the dining room.
It’s been cleared, just as we thought. I think we both slept in so we wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness of breakfast.
There’s just the Major, sitting in an armchair in the corner with his tea and the newspaper.
“Ah, morning Major,” I say him in my best Basil Fawlty impression.
He doesn’t hear me and the paper obscures us from his view.
I head on over and stand in front of him. When he lowers the paper to flip the page, he sees me and jumps in his seat.
“Good heavens!” he cries out. “You put my heart crossway, ye did.”
“Sorry, Major,” I say. “Where is everyone today?”
He folds the paper in his lap. “Where is what?”
I lean in closer. “Where. Is. Everyone?”
“Ah, you overslept, ye did.” He winks at Valerie. “Well, let’s see. Your dad is in the cottage with the nurse.”
“Did ye see him at breakfast?”
“Nah, he wasn’t up to it. And your nan went into Shambles for some groceries.”
“Isn’t that Gail’s job?”
“Gail? Yea, well Gail won’t be returning back.”
I exchange a glance with Valerie and back to Major. “What do ye mean she’s not coming back?”
“She came by this morning, right before breakfast mind ye, which made things run a little late but anyway, and she told yer nana that she was done. I guess she doesn’t want to work here anymore, but between you and I, I’m quite okay with that. She was always a bit of a Holy Joe, if ye know what I mean.”
“Does Holy Joe mean the same as hoor?” Valerie mumbles under her breath.
“Ah, no, Holy Joe means she’s real righteous like,” Major says and starts flipping back through the paper. “A hoor means she’s a hoor.”
I look at Val and smile. How he heard that, I have no idea. Something tells me the Major’s hearing is more selective than we thought.
Since breakfast is over, we make some coffee and put it in travel mugs and decide to head outside for a walk. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is out and making the frost shimmer, and our breath is rising in the air, mixing