I lean over and turn on his bedside light to see him sitting there hunched over, making fists in his hair, eyes closed, forehead deeply lined.
“It’s okay,” I say softly. “We’ll try again later.”
That seems to make him crumble. “No, Val, I want ye, ye don’t understand.”
I reach over and grab his hand, pulling it off of his head, his fingers uncurling from the strands of hair. “I know you want me and I want you too. But it’s late and I just woke you up. I should have let you sleep. That was selfish of me.”
He shakes his head, anguish on his brow. “This isn’t supposed to happen.”
I give him a sympathetic smile, feeling for him on every level. “It is supposed to happen. You know what the doctor said.”
“Fuck the doctor,” he grumbles. “This isn’t me, okay? This isn’t …I can’t …”
“Padraig, I love you. This is something that happens. To, like, everyone. It’s not a big deal. It will probably happen again too, but more times than not, it’s going to be fine. Better than fine.”
He’s breathing hard as he looks at me with frozen eyes, refusing to believe the reality. And honestly, it really isn’t a big deal. I mean, it’s happened to me with an ex before and I’ll admit I felt totally insulted. But Padraig is dealing with MS. This is just part of the deal. I know how much that man wants me and I know how damn good he is at fucking. I’m not worried about any of that. There is more to us than that anyway.
“Okay,” he says after a moment, when he seems to visibly calm. “Okay.” He gets up and slips on his pajama pants, heading around the bed to the door.
“Hey,” I cry out, leaning across the bed and grabbing him by the pant leg, holding him in place. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” he asks cagily, avoiding my eyes.
“This. Leave. You’re avoiding me, you’re avoiding this. We need to talk about this. I need you to be able to look at me and not feel ashamed. Communication is the only way we’re going to be able to get through it all together. Right?”
He stares at the wall and nods.
“No, Padraig, please look at me.”
He looks down and meets my eyes.
I give him a small smile. “I don’t want you for a second to think this changes anything between us. I don’t think anything less of you, I don’t think you’re weaker or any sicker and I certainly don’t think you’re less of a man because I know what that beautiful cock can do to me and I know you’ll continue to do it well. You need to be easy on yourself, okay? This is just life. Right now, it’s life. Let’s just move on from it but let’s move on together. Okay?”
He nods sheepishly. “Okay.”
“I love you,” I tell him emphatically.
“I love you, too.”
“Then come back to bed and let’s go to sleep.”
He rubs his lips together for a moment and then climbs back under the covers beside me.
I turn out the light.
19
Valerie
“Valerie, do ye mind going into the kitchen and telling Gail that Colin will be joining us for supper,” Agnes says as I head to the dining room table where Padraig and Major are already seated. She’s standing by the back door, talking to Margaret, Colin’s nurse.
“Sure,” I say and head into the kitchen.
Gail has her head in the pantry, searching for something, while food is bubbling over on the stove.
I quickly go and turn down one of the burners just as she pulls back and sees me.
“What are ye doing?” she snaps.
“Sorry, it was boiling over,” I tell her.
“That’s my problem to worry about, not yours,” she says and god, it’s crazy how much this bitch hates me. The other day, Padraig and I were at the pub and Alistair let it slip that he thinks Gail is a “hoor” and ever since then that’s all I can say in my head.
“Why are ye here?” she adds, hand on her hip.
“Agnes says Colin is joining us for dinner. I guess he feels well enough. You don’t need to make him anything separate.” … you hoor, I finish in my head, giving her a polite smile.
I turn to leave and am almost out the door when she says, “I know you’re faking it.”