tone that I haven’t heard in a long time. He sounds stronger too, which gives me relief.
He then looks at Valerie. “And of course yours too, dear.”
She smiles at him and he smiles back and for the second time tonight something inside me drops. This time it’s heavier, a mix of joy and pride and something I can’t place. Val and my dad are bonding. They like each other, might mean something to each other.
It makes me so happy I could burst right here in front of everyone.
It makes me want, need, all of this to stop being a lie.
“Well, Padraig,” Nan says, snapping my attention back to her. “Do ye want to say grace?”
“Yea,” I say and we all lower our heads, folding our hands in front of us.
Dear God, I think, please forgive me for what we have to do tonight. Please know that I’m doing this out of love, that I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want this to go right.
And what I really say is, “Dear Lord, we are thankful for this bounty of food tonight and for our loved ones at our side. I call upon ye to keep us safe and warm and happy and may our blessings outnumber the shamrocks that we grow. Amen.”
A quiet chorus of “Amen” goes around the table.
Now we eat.
And talk.
It’s hard to keep an Irish dinner table from talking.
Along with the good wine, there’s Shepherd’s pie as a side dish, which is my favorite when my Nan does it, and baked cod as the main. For desert we have Irish crème trifle and even more wine.
It’s about then that my dad clears his throat and taps the side of his wine glass with his fork.
We all look at him.
“Speech!” the Major cries out.
“Bloody hell, I’m not making a speech,” my dad says. “I just wanted to get yer attention. I have something here, Padraig, something that belongs to you and Valerie. Something that once belonged to me and yer mother. It brought us both so much happiness, all the way until the end. I hope it does the same for ye both.”
He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the ring. It’s simple but elegant with a big diamond in the middle and as a child I remember so many people complimenting my mother on it whenever she wore it with her wedding band.
If I really were marrying Valerie, it’s the ring I would give her.
If I really were …
If I really were …
“Now come on over here, son, and get it, I’m not about to get up.”
I quickly get to my feet and go around the table to the head of it. My dad places it in my hand with only a quick glance at my face.
I grasp the ring in my palm, holding it tight, then I lean over and wrap my arms around my dad, giving him a hug.
“Aww,” Nan coos.
My dad remains stiff as a board, not hugging me back, but I don’t care. I know it says a lot from him to give me the ring and I just want him to know how much I appreciate it.
Even if it isn’t real …
Even if it isn’t real …
I let go of him, and he pats my arm.
“Yer welcome,” he says.
My throat feels thick and pinched and I look over to Valerie.
Her eyes are wide and shining.
I smile.
Come over to her side, moving my chair out of the way so that she can face me.
Drop to one knee.
My eyes latch onto hers and I’m trying to tell her that I mean everything I’m about to say, that this isn’t just for show, that I want and need her to be mine, for real, for now, for always.
She might not feel the same. She might leave me soon and go back home.
But what I’m about to do isn’t lip service and it isn’t in jest and it isn’t just a charade.
There is truth behind it.
There is my heart behind it, even if she might never know it.
I’m in love with her.
I know that with every damaged inch of my being.
I love her.
She is the pulse of my heart.
Perhaps this is the only way I can tell her.
I just hope she’s listening.
“Valerie,” I say, taking her hand in mine and holding out the ring. “A chuisle mo chroi. I love you more than you even know, more than any words can say. It sounds cliché but it’s true. I simply can’t express it