when we were together, just that I’ve been neglecting my dad.
“I know. I’ve had a rough go,” I explain, though it sounds weak to my ears, even if it’s the truth.
“This whole time? You could have checked in.”
“I did. Many times. Nan said everything was fine.”
“Because she didn’t want to worry ye.”
“So, fine. That’s what I thought. That everything was fine.”
“You never asked how I was doing.”
I frown. “I’m sorry?”
She rolls her eyes and now I have no idea what her deal is. “Anyway, the doctor, he’s good enough.”
“But he’s a country doctor. My doctor in Dublin, he knows a specialist, there are ways they can help.”
She shrugs. “That’s up to you and your father. Do you really want to take him up to Dublin? There’s nothing they can do. You know that by now, don’t ye?”
I swallow, refusing to accept it even though I’ve known the reality. “He could pull through.”
She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “No. He’s not going to. He only has a month left, six weeks at most.”
“A month,” I repeat dumbly, feeling like I’ve received a blow. “They … Nan said he had months. At least six months. Maybe a year.”
“I’m sorry, Padraig,” she says. “Those were always hopeful estimates. But your dad is … he’s in a lot of pain.”
“I know.”
“No. Not just physically. Emotionally. Losing his family.”
I look at her sharply. “He hasn’t lost everything. I’m here now.”
“But you’re not really, are ye? You’re here because you feel guilt and you want to patch things up until he goes. You want to absolve yourself. You want to prove something to him, but he knows you wouldn’t be here otherwise.”
“You know nothing about me.”
She folds her arms. “You’re right. I don’t. And I don’t think your fiancé knows ye either.”
My jaw tightens. “This has nothing to do with her. This is about my father. And I don’t care what you and your Holy Joe attitude have to say about it. I’m here and I’m staying here because I’m his son.”
“If you’re his son, maybe you should show him that.”
“I’m trying.”
“You’re trying the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. Look, ye know he’s a deeply unhappy man and always has been, ever since your mam and sister died. He’s a broken shell of a person. Sometimes I think you might be the same. And, it’s truly sad, but it might be too late for the both of ye.”
And at that she leaves, hurrying off to the house and disappearing inside.
Leaving me outside.
Just a shell of a man.
Maybe she’s right.
I’ve spent my whole life going through the motions. Before my mother and sister died, I’d spent all my time pleasing my dad. After they died, I did everything I could to anger him. The moment I was old enough to leave the house and play rugby professionally, I did. I dedicated every waking second to the game because there was nothing else to dedicate my time and my life to. My beloved mother was gone and my father hated me. There was nothing else but my career.
And now what.
Now I don’t have the game.
And without the game, who am I?
A broken shell of a man.
“Padraig?”
Valerie’s soft voice breaks through the darkness that swirls around me, reminding me that I’m standing in the sunshine, not swept into that internal black hole, the one I might never come out of.
I look over and see her running across the lawn to me, my peacoat gathered in her hands.
“What are you doing out here without a coat on, it’s freezing,” she says, handing me my coat.
“Thanks,” I say absently, trying to snap back into the moment, to appreciate this angel in front of me. But there’s something tense on her face, the way she’s worrying her lip between her teeth. I’m guessing she just saw Gail and I talking and wonders what happened.
“Do ye want to go for a drive?” I ask her, slipping the coat over my shoulders. I have the sudden need to get the fuck out of here.
I think she can tell that too because she nods warily. “Oh, okay. Sure. Do I need to grab my purse?”
“No. Let’s just go,” I say. I grab her hand and pull her along the side of the property to where the Cayenne is parked out front.
“Where are we going?” she asks as I burn it down the driveway and onto the main road. The SUV hits a patch of black ice for a moment but